And Sometimes... Sometimes It's Just Something You Have to Do.

I'm about to do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. 

I don't want to do it. 

I don't want to do it because I know it's going to hurt someone.

I think that's why I took so long before I did it...

Except for, I probably just hurt them way more than I would have originally hurt them.

FAIL. 

Obviously, on my part.

And as I'm sitting here in the moments before doing this deed, I'm thinking of all the things I'm going to miss, about how my own fears and insecurities have fueled me, about how I just want to be with Jesus.

I know that Jesus is big enough to catch us. 

I know that nothing is bigger than Him.

And I know that the person I'm going to inevitably cause pain did NOT see it coming...

I also know that in the long run, this is the best decision for both of us.

I'm so SO thankful that God forgets the past, that the past is wiped away because the blood of Jesus cleanses. I don't deserve the mercies I am constantly given; yet, God chooses to give them anyway. When He looks at me, He sees Jesus. And that is awesome. It's more than enough to bring me to my knees.

DEEP BREATH.

I can do this.

Somehow. 

Jesus, give me words to speak.

Catch my dear friend; they're going to need you a little more than normal very shortly.

And I know I've shed thousands of tears today.

Thank you for being my strength, oh God.

With ALL the love You've given me to give~

The Resistance, The Fear, The Greatness

There is something that holds each one of us back.

For most of us, it's many things. 

And usually, the things we feel the most resistance toward are the things that will, in the end, advance our souls further, take us to the places we were always meant to go.

What is it that we're so afraid of finding, anyway? 

I think we're most afraid of seeing that we can accomplish something huge, something way beyond ourselves.

All our lives, we are filled with lies from those around us.

These lies can be direct, such as, "You're never going to able to write that novel, serve those people well, impact the world..." 

Or these lies can be indirect, such as believing that we are supposed to live confined to the lifestyle/progression box that our society has carefully crafted for us to fit in. 

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We know of people who do great things. 

Humanitarians, poets, speakers, athletes, performers, Nobel Peace Prize winners...

But we have yet to yield to the possibility of a greatness rising up in our midst, from our very self. 

We deny, upfront, the possibility of anything great rising from within.

Why? 

Because we're scared.

Scared of piercing the perception we've grown accustomed to our whole lives... even if that perception is completely false.

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Well, I have something to tell you.

You can accomplish great things.

You have the power to do something bigger than you could ever imagine.

You have a choice: to listen to the lies you've been told your whole life or to listen to that still, small voice within that tells you, you were made for something so much more; you were made with a purpose in mind; you have a destiny, if you so choose to embrace it.

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Today, I am choosing to heed to the still, small voice that has been trying to speak to me for so long.

I've been running from really hearing it.

Why?

Because I've been afraid.

Afraid of what it might mean to really be made for something bigger than myself.

Afraid that, me, a nobody, a person with very little power and with all too obvious flaws could do something incredible. 

God, I'm ready to listen.

Let's do those great things You've always wanted to do.

Nine Loves (Not to be Confused with the Number of Lives a Cat Has)

I try to refrain from using the word "love" unless I'm actually talking about something I love, like God or people. Saying "I love tots and iPods and God," kind of cheapens the word for me. 

So, for the sake of this post, I'm going to assume that the interpretation for "love" here is an extreme liking for.

In which case, this may be more accurately called "Nine Likes".

(Though, for sake of not wanting to remove the pre-written list in my last post, the title will remain "Nine Loves.")

Moving on...

1. Snow. It's currently snowing, and even though it's probably the sixth time we've had snow this month, I haven't gotten tired of it. It's just so pretty, and it's almost magical. The way it glows at night. The world has to stop for it. And something about it makes you feel like a child. It blankets the earth with a visible peace.

2. A good drink. No, not anything alcoholic. I mean really good coffee or chai or peppermint tea or a blended drink or a smoothie. I'm pretty sure I could live on good drinks if they were always provided. Current favorites: hot coffee -soy peppermint white mocha latte, cold coffee - nonfat mocha, tea - chai or peppermint, blended - soy chai, soy green tea latte, nonfat peppermint mocha or hot chocolate

3. Street music. I love walking downtown somewhere (anywhere) and having live musicians litter the streets. Often, the best people are the ones "undiscovered". 

4. Being in the middle of nowhere. Not all the time (because I do enjoy large cities). But I love being able to get away from the world, and I love knowing that I'm untouchable from the outside world for just a little bit.

5. Art. In pretty much every from. I like doing it; I like watching it. I like seeing people's unique ways of taking ordinary things and making them beautiful. 

6. Perspective. I like seeing things in many ways. I like to gain new perspectives, and learn about different views on life. I like to understand them (at least as much as I can without being in them). 

7. Google. Truly, I go to Google for many of life's most [unimportant] questions. We have a great working relationship.

8. Spinning and swinging. There's something wonderful about doing something that seems almost dangerous but is perfectly safe. Like a free fall you're caught in. It's so carefree. 

9. A good workout. I like feeling like I really gave my all, like I can't give anymore, like I just did some MAJOR work.

10. Being bare. Not as in naked (though, there will come a day for that), as in completely who I am, flaws and all, and being totally okay with it. I like finally having someone to be like this with, who trusts me enough to be the same, and who works with me to find new ways of going deeper.

Ten Secrects

In an attempt to implement the discipline of blogging back into my life, I'm going to do something one of my friends has been doing lately. It's simple, fun, and expository.

Today is ten secrets. While I don't really keep "secrets", there are definitely things about me that few people know. 

1. I don't take medicine. It's something I've been convicted about  for quite a while. The last time I took any was September of 2009. I won't even take vitamins. It's one of those things few quite understand, but that's okay.

2. When I was little, I was super OCD. I had to do certain things in even numbers (like taking steps, touching things a certain amount of times with each hand). I don't think I've ever actually told anyone about this; this really is/was a secret!

3. I like to make things look pretty. I think that's the girl in me, though. It's why I love whipped cream so much. 

4. I miss playing tennis. I really would like to play again, but I wasn't ever that great at it.... which means that now, I'm probably awful. Which is fine... if someone else wouldn't mind playing with me despite my awfulness. But that's tough to find.

5. I would like to cook more. I really like doing it, and I like making things that are a little out there. I just get the opportunity very often. 

6. Commercials about donating to feed animals really irk me (especially the ones heavily laced with emotion). There are starving CHILDREN in the world, and you want me to donate to your stray animal rescue?! No thank you. 

7. While I appreciate a little bit of alone time, I don't really dig being alone. It doesn't freak me out or anything; I just genuinely like being with people - just not huge groups at once. Smallish groups are good; I thrive one on one (and occasionally one on two).

8. My biggest goal in life is to love well with the love of Christ. If that's all I ever accomplish, I will be a successful human being.

9. If I was always able to get good smoothies and coffee drinks cheaply, I would drink my diet. Yum!

10. I can't wear socks to sleep in, even if it's super cold. I won't make it through the night with them on. And even if they're really thin, something about them seems almost constricting to my feet.

Wanderlust

I need to get better at actually posting what I write...

Anyway.

I really want to go somewhere.

No, not to the grocery store, not to the park, not to work or school or church.

SOMEWHERE.

Somewhere not here. Somewhere far away.

I want to go overlanding from Cape Town to Cairo, ride a camel through the Middle East, roam the villages of India, eat gelato in Italy, take the stairs to the top of the Eiffel Tower (... maybe I would rethink the stairs thing by the 18th story), have a camp out down under, stay in a Scottish castle, walk the white beaches of the Virgin Islands, zip-line through the Amazon, stay in a hut in Panama, hang glide in the Alps, cruise to the Antarctic, learn to belly dance in Turkey, go hot air ballooning in Egypt, learn to surf in Fiji, go to a luau and hula in Hawaii, go on a real safari, catch a salmon in Alaska, snorkel by the reef, go deep sea fishing in Maine. 

I want to explore, to aid the inner wanderlust.

Overall, despite kind of wanting to explore places, I've been relatively content being here. But the last few days I've been searching through websites for mission trips and reading overlanding catalogs online.

I have been bitten by the bug.

The travel bug.

The only issue is the cost factor... 

One day, I will go.

Hopefully, that day will be soon.

Pursue Me

Yes, it's been a while since I've actually posted anything. 

I have about eight unfinished posts sitting in my dashboard, and lately, my journal has been like my best friend.

My mind has been in a lot of confusion the past couple of weeks.

Confusion is a curse. So I told it to leave.

I've been learning a lot about what God has already given those who believe in Christ and how much we tend to mix the God of the old covenant and the new covenant. 

(Thank you Andrew Wommack.)

In the midst of my confused mind I found a fear that I have all too long been acquainted with: the fear to admit things to myself that I just don't want to admit. 

Because admitting those things makes them real.

And whether or not those thoughts are from me or not, there is a reason they are thought. 

And knowing the root of the thought is important.

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Like I said, lately, my journal has been like my best friend. Because for the first time, I'm actually admitting all of my thoughts in my journal instead of burying them in my mind. 

When I journal, I write directly to God. So, I'm also admitting my thoughts to Him. And myself.

Something I've never fully admitted until the last day or so is that I am ALWAYS the pursuer in my male relationships. ALWAYS. And ever since I was five, I've had a male focus. Yes, even as an intern, the one year I was supposed to not, I did. I rationalized it out in my mind, even when I felt God telling me to stop talking to him. I didn't want to. Instead, my mind somehow created some logic that went in the complete opposite direction of the direction God was leading me... and I did it in His name (which is sickening to think about). 

So, when my best friend was about to move a thousand miles away, you bet I didn't want to lose him. And I let myself go to a place with him I had never been: a romantic sort of place.

And I truly didn't feel like I was in the wrong.

Our relationship began, not because he asked me, but because I told him how I felt, and he responded.

HELLO: red flag.

It's supposed to be the opposite way.

But this way, I was in control, even subtly.

Which meant I was also the one leading (the starting point is important).

Things were fine for a little while. But then it started to feel off. And my mind started to think things I didn't want it to, that I didn't want to admit to myself. And when God started saying something to me, I didn't want to listen... because it meant giving up something I did NOT want to give up. 

So I felt confused. Because I was running from what God was telling me, running from my thoughts, and trying think of some other reason for me hearing what I heard - like I was hearing it from myself and not God. 

But this time, I couldn't ignore it. I knew it was God. And ignoring it hurt too much.

So, I had to end it.

My disobedience the first time made it harder the second.

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I need to be the one pursued. One million percent.

And that means being pursued by God and God alone first.

Because even with God I tend to be the pursuer,  to try and make my own calling work. But I can do nothing apart from Him; so what makes me think I can pursue Him?

My place is to simply rest in Him. He is the one who is supposed to pursue me.

So, from this moment on, I am making the conscious decision to be pursued and not to pursue.

This first means God.

And if God decides to tell someone to pursue me in a year or two, I'll be open to it, but not if I'm the one pursuing the relationship; it will have to be all him. I can't be the one in control; I can't be the pursuer.

Wow, what a tough lesson. 

But what a valuable one.

Here's to my lack of pursuit!

The Key

There is a key that I wear around my neck.

It does not open a door.

It cannot be duplicated.

You may think it's cheesy.

But I call it:

The key to my heart.

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Actually, it's just a really cool, old key that was once used to open a physical door.

It's more of a representation of what cannot be seen.

I have something sacred enough that it's worth protecting. And only the one with the key has the privilege of unlocking the door that leads to the sacred parts of me.

Notice: I said privilege.

It isn't a right.

Only one has the right to be called the keeper of my heart.
And that's Jesus.

But I have the right to give that privilege to one other, to be the keeper of my heart here on earth.

It's a big privilege with a lot of responsibility.

Once I give that key away, I can't ever get it back.

Once the keeper takes my key and steps in, he can never reverse what he has seen.

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The keeper will have full capability of destroying me.

But by giving him the key, I am showing him I trust him enough not to.

I know he loves me enough to not desire to.

And I love him enough to risk it.

It's a Process

Every season is different.

(Thank you Captain Obvious!)

But really, this season since leaving Teen Mania has been quite different.

I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm at a point where I can finally look at who I am how I'm supposed to, that I can see clearly the things God actually desires from my life, that I really am just a person, and it's okay to be who I am.

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Part of a song I wrote towards the beginning of summer goes like this: "And all this time I thought I was changing, turns out I was becoming me..."
I don't think God's goal is so much to change us, more make us into who He originally intended us to be. Yes, this involves changing us from who we've become, because who we think we are is different than who God knows we are.

The song continues: "On the outside I may not look like much, just a shell rough to the touch, but despite what you see, I'm in the process of becoming me."
It's hard to tell this process is happening when you just take a glance; the outside doesn't always do a whole lot of justice to the inner workings. Shoot, even just a glance at the inner workings doesn't always do a whole lot of justice. But that's because it is a process.

I think I forget that, sometimes, and just want it to be over. I want to be the butterfly already because this cocoon just keeps getting hotter, darker, and smaller (and a bit smelly on occasion...).

 It's such a blessing to stop, look back, and realize that all the junk you just went through was actually God pulling out the "real" you, the person you were created to be, not the one you always thought you were supposed to be.
And that makes the hot, dark, tiny, smelly cocoon worth it.

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Lately, I've been catching myself thinking, "I just wish this season would quicken its pace a little..."
It's going a bit slower than I would like.
I really, really like what's coming next.
But I know this season is this season for some reason, probably one that I don't see.
Thank God I do not appoint the seasons.
(All those people who hate fall would be coming after me with clubs.)

"Time exists because we couldn't handle everything at once."

Mushy, Gushy, Ugh.

Feelings.

I have them... I think.

Okay, I really do.

But I don't really experience them all that often.

Because there's a difference in having feelings and experiencing them, at least in my book.

And really, I don't like this about me.

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I can pinpoint the moment I finally shut down, almost permanently.

I was in seventh grade; it was a night in late fall. I had finally had enough. I broke down and cried the most heavy, heart-wrenching tears I had ever cried in my young life.

And then I shut down.

I didn't know it right then, but that would be last time I cried for nearly four years.

It would also be the last time I truly experienced my emotions in at least four years.

I shut down because back then, no one cared. I was put under more stress than many encounter in their entire life. And frankly, I was tired of feeling it. Because it hurt too badly, and all I knew was that hurt, that lonely worthlessness.

That night, I made a semi-conscious choice: I would no longer allow myself to need ANYone.

They couldn't be trusted, and I was just too much weight to carry.

I also decided that I would no longer feel.

(Though, I think this was more a defense mechanism to get through life.) 

I coasted on those decisions for the next four years...

Until I met Jesus.

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Little did I know it, but Jesus had been pursuing me for years.

I can only imagine how difficult I was to pursue. 

My heart was hard, totally convinced of my worthlessness and my need for NO ONE, it took me running myself into the dirt before I would even glance at Him.

Thankfully, He wasn't easily deterred.

Within weeks of allowing Jesus to enter the small opening I had given Him, He began the process of slowly peering into my darkest corners and sweeping out the dust.

That seemed painless enough; after all, brooms generally don't hurt too badly.

But once the dust was gone and Jesus' light started to illuminate the darkest corners of my chambers, revealing years of gunk built up on every surface of my innermost parts, He gently let me know it was time for cleaning. Deep cleaning.

When I agreed to let Him start the process, I knew it could prove to be pretty painful, and I knew that I could have to do some things I wasn't entirely comfortable with.

But His love made it worth it.

So I said yes.

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Well, since the night Jesus finally won my heart, I've only truly cried maybe a handful of times.

I've only really experienced my feelings approx. 30 times/situations (and that's being extra generous).

Sure, sometimes I felt things. But understanding that I felt them, processing that I felt them, knowing it was okay to feel them. Yeah, not so often.

It took two years before I wasn't totally numb anymore.

And it's taken almost another two for me to be soft enough to begin to experience the pain of others, again and not just recognize it.

Actually, I've felt others' feelings more than I've felt my own.

That night I decided not to feel anymore, I programmed my brain to tell my heart it thought differently than it did, and ever since, my brain and heart still operate by that philosophy.

But now it's time for that to change.

And I don't know if I can do it.

But I'm going to trust that I can, with my Jesus by my side.

This means allowing people in.

This means not freaking out too much when I start to experience all that encompasses what I'm feeling.

Because the feelings God gives are a gift; feeling what He feels for His people is a gift.

And in order for me to be able to truly treasure and know the strategies for pursuing His people, I must spend time in the weeping room, I must know their needs, I must stop acquainting myself with where they are and fully step into where they are. 

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For anyone who stuck it out this long: I applaud you. And I thank you for joining me for a bit of the beginning of this journey.

This long, slow, crazy journey.

It may hurt. But I know it's worth it.

It's worth it to love. It's worth it to feel. It's worth it to be more like Jesus.

Here we go.

Happy October!

Yeah, I'm a little late, but it's okay. 

October is still probably my favorite month.

Anyway, on to other things.

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I was having lunch at Chik-fil-a the other day, sitting alone because it was my lunch break at work, and I noticed several others... also sitting alone. This made my mind wander a bit.

What would they do if I got up and joined one of them, or proposed that we all join together since we were all alone? 

(This would be totally out of character for me, by the way.)

I do enjoy my alone time, but something in me thinks it would be awesome if no one had to eat alone.

I didn't actually get up and propose this, partially, because it was the first time I'd really thought about this, partially because I suspected they would all say no or act as if I was crazy, partially because I really didn't have all that much time, and partially because I really don't know what I would say. 

I tend to be pretty quiet when I first meet someone.

Hmm... maybe one day.

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Well, I should get back to studying for my midterm.

But I think I might take a walk in a bit, just to enjoy the beauty of outside.