Pursue Me

Yes, it's been a while since I've actually posted anything. 

I have about eight unfinished posts sitting in my dashboard, and lately, my journal has been like my best friend.

My mind has been in a lot of confusion the past couple of weeks.

Confusion is a curse. So I told it to leave.

I've been learning a lot about what God has already given those who believe in Christ and how much we tend to mix the God of the old covenant and the new covenant. 

(Thank you Andrew Wommack.)

In the midst of my confused mind I found a fear that I have all too long been acquainted with: the fear to admit things to myself that I just don't want to admit. 

Because admitting those things makes them real.

And whether or not those thoughts are from me or not, there is a reason they are thought. 

And knowing the root of the thought is important.

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Like I said, lately, my journal has been like my best friend. Because for the first time, I'm actually admitting all of my thoughts in my journal instead of burying them in my mind. 

When I journal, I write directly to God. So, I'm also admitting my thoughts to Him. And myself.

Something I've never fully admitted until the last day or so is that I am ALWAYS the pursuer in my male relationships. ALWAYS. And ever since I was five, I've had a male focus. Yes, even as an intern, the one year I was supposed to not, I did. I rationalized it out in my mind, even when I felt God telling me to stop talking to him. I didn't want to. Instead, my mind somehow created some logic that went in the complete opposite direction of the direction God was leading me... and I did it in His name (which is sickening to think about). 

So, when my best friend was about to move a thousand miles away, you bet I didn't want to lose him. And I let myself go to a place with him I had never been: a romantic sort of place.

And I truly didn't feel like I was in the wrong.

Our relationship began, not because he asked me, but because I told him how I felt, and he responded.

HELLO: red flag.

It's supposed to be the opposite way.

But this way, I was in control, even subtly.

Which meant I was also the one leading (the starting point is important).

Things were fine for a little while. But then it started to feel off. And my mind started to think things I didn't want it to, that I didn't want to admit to myself. And when God started saying something to me, I didn't want to listen... because it meant giving up something I did NOT want to give up. 

So I felt confused. Because I was running from what God was telling me, running from my thoughts, and trying think of some other reason for me hearing what I heard - like I was hearing it from myself and not God. 

But this time, I couldn't ignore it. I knew it was God. And ignoring it hurt too much.

So, I had to end it.

My disobedience the first time made it harder the second.

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I need to be the one pursued. One million percent.

And that means being pursued by God and God alone first.

Because even with God I tend to be the pursuer,  to try and make my own calling work. But I can do nothing apart from Him; so what makes me think I can pursue Him?

My place is to simply rest in Him. He is the one who is supposed to pursue me.

So, from this moment on, I am making the conscious decision to be pursued and not to pursue.

This first means God.

And if God decides to tell someone to pursue me in a year or two, I'll be open to it, but not if I'm the one pursuing the relationship; it will have to be all him. I can't be the one in control; I can't be the pursuer.

Wow, what a tough lesson. 

But what a valuable one.

Here's to my lack of pursuit!