Person. Place. Thing.

"I just gotta leave this damn town..."

"Man, I need a new girl..."

You know those people.

The ones who always talk about leaving but never do.

Or the ones who keep leaving, never staying in the same place (or relationship) for too long.

They blame the town for their ill-fortunes, for their sad eyes, for their blurring thoughts, sleepless nights, restlessness, dissatisfaction. 

They blame their lover for their own inadequacies.

They "need a change."

So they dip.

They stop talking to their lover, usually with little or no explanation.

They pack up and move.

And you know what?

For a while, all is well.

For a while, things seem like they calm down, they get more exciting, they go like they're supposed to.

But soon enough, it begins to resemble what it did before.

New lover, same old thoughts creeping in.

New city, same old life.

Changing the scenery has a way of fooling our hearts into believing something has actually changed.

New relationships fool our hearts into believing it's going to be different this time.

But that simply isn't the case.

People are still people.

You are still you.

And while a change in scenery can be a good thing, and changing a relationship can be a good thing, neither of these things will be the answer you're looking for.

Your dissatisfaction comes from within.

It's up to you to change it, to push through, to be the change you seek.

Otherwise, you'll end up running your entire life.

It's tough to admit that the problem lies within and not on the outside. 

It's tough to admit to yourself that things are not the way you want them to be.

It's tough to admit that you aren't as strong as you try to appear.

But it's necessary if you want to really live. 

And it's infinitely beautiful.

{Let love in.}

Lines.

We create them.

Then we cross them.

The funny thing is that when we make them we think they'll keep us from going somewhere we "shouldn't."

But most of the time, the lines just taunt us.

All we think about are the lines.

All we want is what's on the other side. 

Sometimes, we fool ourselves into thinking we've got it all under control, but we know that's not true.

So we create more lines because somehow more lines equals more control.

And pretty soon, we're trapped.

{So. Many. Lines.}

But what if there were never supposed to be lines?

What if our lives were supposed to be simple? 

What if Love was the only thing that mattered? 

Once your heart is captured, you don't need lines.

Lines will eventually trap you, box you in, close you off.

But Love will guide you.

If you let it.

Residue.

People get sick.

Opportunities get missed.

Lotteries get won (but not by you).

Things get lost (usually in translation).

Love is ignited and quenched in one fell swoop.

Sadness, gladness, passion, and lust.

Ignorance, arrogance, bliss, and mistrust.

And all of this is sealed with a kiss.

It's sticky.

It's tough.

You can't explain, so it must be God's will... right?

Stuff happens.

Life happens.

There isn't always a reason, at least, not in the sense that we think of reason.

Sometimes, it just is.

God absolutely works things out for the good for those who love him.

But that doesn't mean we won't have to go through life.

It also doesn't mean God singled us out and decided to go on a mission to sabotage us.

He's simply letting his creation do its thing, letting the machine work the way it was intended to work.

And all machines leave behind residue. 

It's called {life}.

Truth.

It can be blinding.

It can be startling.

It can be offensive.

It can be hard to spot even when it's right in front of your face. 

It's easy to deny yet undeniable.

It builds cages and sets captives free.

It keeps us from loving but shows us how necessary love is.

It leads us to the water but doesn't make us drink.

And just like almost everything else, it simply is. 

We must make something of it.

The question is: what?

To Live.

For the first time, I think I'm finally getting what it means to live.

Life isn't this crazy, untouchable thing we can't make sense of.

It just is.

It's this ginormous conglomeration of ideas, things, circumstances, dreams, wishes, heartaches, truths, lies, joys... 

It's moments that take your breath away and moments you wish your breath would leave you.

It's not something we have to try to do.

In fact, trying too hard actually hinders 

Life happens all around us.

It happens on its own.

{If we let it.}

It's so much bigger than you and I.

We can feel so far from so close.

Losing Grip.

It's scary.

To be in that place where we aren't holding tightly to something we see, to not feel that weight in our hands.

We feel all alone, like nothing can be done. 

It becomes a game of defense.

So we latch on to whatever we can find.

Because holding onto something seems to be better than holding onto nothing.

And we hold on so tightly that only death could break the clinch.

What we don't realize is that when we let go is when have the best grip. 

When we realize that what we're holding onto isn't really real, we can let go.

When we realize that the only thing we can hold onto can't be seen, we can let go.

When we realize that nothing in this life is worth holding onto more than the thing that created it, we can let go.

But until then, we're stuck feeling like we're losing grip.

Why not just let go?

{It was never mine to hold.}

To Love.

Lately, all I want to do is give myself away.

All of me.

Is this about a man?

Well... maybe a little bit, but no. It most certainly isn't. 

(Though, it manifests that way, too.)

It's this deep desire that's been rooted in me for as long as I can remember.

It's that thing in me that sees the good stuff when everyone else sees the bad.

It's that thing in me that sees what can be, if someone would just realize that they were worth it.

It's that thing in me that sees incredible beauty when everyone else just sees a screw-up.

But practically, how does this translate? 

It doesn't.

Love is not a practicality.

It is.

So, what does it mean to love?

I don't always know.

But that won't keep me from doing, from being, from living.

{Those who are willing will be used.

Those who desire will be filled.

Those who seek will find.

Those who yearn will be satisfied.}

Listen.

I hear a small, booming voice.

It says "yes" when I say "absolutely not." 

It screams "I know you can" when all I think is "I can't do this anymore."

It breathes "love" when all I can muster is "hate." 

Sometimes, I add more boom to it from the outside world.

Maybe if there's so much crazy around me, I won't have to listen to it.

But I can never quite drown it out.

It always sticks around.

It never tries to push too hard. 

It always stays right where I put it.

It never leaves. 

I just choose to forget it. 

It's everywhere I am.

It's in everything I do.

It's every reason I am.

It's every remedy to every need.

Can you hear it?

  

Chosen

"I chose you to come out of the world, so the world hates you..." - Jesus, John 15:19

I've often wrestled with the idea of us being chosen verses us choosing. 

(Working it out with fear and trembling, you know.)

After all, we love because we were first loved.

I think I've come to the conclusion that there simply isn't one answer... at least, not one I can understand this side of heaven.

The more I read Jesus' words, the more I realize just how big of a mystery it is, how entwined everything is, and just how much I don't need to know and am not responsible for.

All I know is what is, not how it came to be, and I think that's okay.
Some things are better left unsaid.
Some things I simply don't need a definition for.
The only thing I need is to {trust}, fully unbridled and unashamed.
And that's what I plan on trying to do.

{The chosen ones of God were those who let God pursue his interest in them, and as a result received his stamp of legitimacy.}

I very seldom want to know why.

I think I somehow innately get that the why really doesn't matter.

But right now, I want to know why. 

I probably won't get a chance to know, and maybe I shouldn't.

Besides, I'll bounce back soon enough.

It's just all-to-reminding that I am human.

That I let my heart get intertwined in places it shouldn't.

That others are human.

That we're all trying to walk this life out.

And I can either choose to forgive the offense immediately, or I can let it bind me and serve as an invisible barrier keeping me from the fullness of life I've been offered. 

Geode.

I'm thoroughly unpredictable, yet predictably impulsive.

I'm free-flowing as the wind, yet tied down by rope.

I'm fiercely independent, yet deeply desire someone to share this life with.

I'm a lot like a geode.

 

On the outside, I don't look like much.

Just a shell, a bit rough to the touch. 

But break away the shell...

and I promise there's more.

Among the imperfections, a hidden brilliance worthy to explore.

But sometimes I still doubt; I still question.

Will anyone ever take an interest?

Will anyone actually stick it out?

Is it really worth all the work it takes to explore?

It may take a little while to find the crack that opens the shell, but I promise if you're serious, if you're sincere, if you think it's worth it, I'll help you find your way.

And once you're in, you're in; I won't push you away.

Just one of those days I wonder. One of those days I want. One of those days I'm humbled.

One of those days I realize I couldn't make it without God reminding me I'm always worth it to him.

Keeping Peace.

Something isn't right. And you know it.

But you don't want to cause a ruckus.

It really does not sit well with you.

Yet you let it slide.

You go along with it.

You play the game.

Why?

Because keeping peace is easier.

Is it worth it?

In Pride and Prejudice there's a scene where Elizabeth (the oldest sister) begs her father to reconsider letting her little sister go to see the soldiers in another city. Elizabeth knows in her gut it's a bad idea... she also knows her father is only agreeing to let her youngest sister, Lydia, go because it will keep peace.

She asks him a critical question: is this worth keeping the peace?

Later on Lydia runs away with a soldier she meets.

This is a huge deal, especially in the movie's time period, and it could have been prevented if only Elizabeth's father had decided it was more important to be right than to maintain peace.

Jesus even told us, "I didn't come to bring peace but a sword..." 

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty positive keeping peace isn't worth it.

Not when given the choice of keeping the peace or bringing life. 

Because in every situation, I will choose life over death.

Every time.

It may be difficult now, but in the end it is so, so worth it.

Predicting the Unpredictable.

In the last twenty-four hours I've seen a couple of intriguing news stories.

One: Scientists in Italy are being brought to trial for failing to adequately recognize and warn people about an earthquake; they are being {potentially} charged with manslaughter (to some degree).

Two: A few counties away, a high school boy brought a knife to school and harmed another boy. The victim's parents are suing the school for not preventing this... despite the fact that the school has many safety precautions in place and the fact that there should be personal (and parental) responsibility.

What are we coming to?

I feel like, as a whole, our world (at least the westernized parts of it) is getting to a point where they think we know EVERYTHING. 

We have all the answers.

Nothing can shake us.

Nothing can shock us.

We've got this.

And if something unpredictable happens, someone must be to blame.

Because unpredictable things just don't happen to us anymore.

This heightened arrogance is alarming, mainly because of its vast expanse.

Pride comes before the fall, yeah?

Well, I'm fairly positive the fall is coming. 

And it's going to hurt.

A lot.

Wake up you who are slumbering to death.

Justification.

I should absolutely be reading right now but... instead I'm sitting in Starbucks listening to John Mayer, drinking some tea, and chilling out until my next class starts. 

In all fairness, I did just do half of my homework for my online class this week (justification, yeah?).

Yeah, justification.

I'm sure I do that a lot.

I'm sure you do, too. 

But do I really need to justify my actions?

Should my actions be things that require justification?

God is my defender.

If he defends me, should I really need to worry about justifying my actions?

Hmm... 

There is certainly something to be said about living above reproach.

There's also something to be said about not worrying about what the world thinks.

Jesus came to bring the Kingdom, to bring life abundantly.

I see the Kingdom; it is at hand. 

I seek to live that life he tells me so much about. 

But first I have to trust, to stop justifying.

I have to simply be who I am. 

Loving Jesus. 

Loving others.

The end.

As a side note, I didn't actually watch the video. So, I'm not sure what it looks like...

Believe.

I wonder what God would say about my life. 

I wonder if the things I deem important would make him take my face in his hands and say, "Dear, I know you think this is important, but I tell you the truth, I have something better." 

In John 6, Jesus is addressing a crowd in Capernaum. He had just finished telling them not to concern themselves with things like perishable food but to concern themselves with eternal things.

"They replied, 'We want to perform God's works, too. What should we do?' Jesus told them, 'This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent.'"

Wow. 

The potential of those words...

I don't just mean the Sunday school, altar call, repeat-a-prayer "I believe," and I'm positive that's not what Jesus meant, either.

I mean, believe. Believe in the one he has sent. 

Belief so deep it alters the pattern of your life. 

That's what Jesus wants.

The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.

Indiscribable

Sometimes, I look at things and wonder if I made the right decision or if I missed out.

But there's no use in crying over spilled milk.

(I say this very literally since spilling milk happens a lot at my job.)

In the end, I know that I am where I am now. And though those dreams were once mine, I've let them float away. My heart was once concrete, stuck in its ways, but now it's lost in You.
So, though those old dreams may flit on by, taunting me with their glam and glitz, I close my eyes and let them pass, clinging to what it is my heart is really made for.

I find myself not caring about the things most care about.
I'm tasting freedom for the first time, freedom I thought I already knew.
It's indescribable.

Wow. It's been like a whole month. Oops :)

Ever thought you were doing okay, even pretty well at something only to learn that you're actually not as hot as you thought?

Yeah.

That's happened to me recently. 

Today, actually.

This afternoon I went to my third voice lesson. 

I kind of accidentally signed up for them about a month ago after being referred by a friend.

I sort of think I was duped into counseling sessions cleverly disguised as voice lessons. :)

All joking aside, I'm super glad to have the voice coach I do.

She sees things in me that I've buried - both weaknesses and strengths.

The roughly four (mostly uncomfortable) hours I've spent with her so far have been a sight to see.

(The reason they've been a bit uncomfortable has everything to do with my insecurities, not at all to do with her.)

She has me do some silly things... over and over again (until I start to get them right).

Anyway, enough background, today she said something to me that struck home.

"I don't know why, but your confidence is rock bottom; I'm sure there's some reason. You're even uncomfortable going all for it during warm ups. Now I know why you said you wanted to work on confidence."

And all this time I've been thinking I'm doing alright.

Now, I don't walk around all insecure or anything, but I also don't walk around with confidence and boldness much of the time. 

Truthfully, comparing myself three years ago to myself today, my confidence is sky high... but I've still got a lot of growing to do. I know that, in theory, but I think I kind of let myself forget that. I thought I was doing alright and was believing that alright was okay. Which is why I think it surprised me so much to hear that earlier.

Confidence.

Boldness.

(Yes, like a {lion}.)

This is what I'm getting ready to learn a lot about. 

Aye..

Am I Lovely?

I was in a store the other day.

This store did ear piercing with piercing guns.

A little girl who couldn't have been more than seven or eight came in with her mom.

When she got there, she was still a bit indecisive but soon chose to go through with it.

The first thing she asked when the earrings were in: "Am I pretty, now?"

My heart sank.

The woman piercing her ears responded: "Well, you were pretty before, but I guess you could say you were more pretty, now."

Seriously? 

NO.

I wanted to run up to her, hug her, tell her she was absolutely beautiful in every way, with or without the earrings.

I didn't do it because I knew it would be inappropriate to do so.

But I almost wish I would have.

That little girl is wrestling with quite possibly the biggest thing that will affect how she makes her decisions and how she interacts with the people in her life. Every girl desires to know: "Am I lovely?" And unfortunately, the world around her tells her "no." 

Dear precious, beautiful little girl, I'm praying that in your heart you would know just how treasured you are, that you wouldn't listen to the lies around you telling you you need to be thinner, have the most expensive clothes, and dress skanky to be beautiful. I'm asking God to tug at your heart and whisper in your ears that he is near and wants to be your friend. 

Honestly, I really dislike Father's Day, Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, Grandparent's Day, Fireman's Day, Groudhog's Day...

(Okay, maybe Groundhog's day is taking it a little over the top, but you catch my drift).

I don't like that these days have taken over our culture. 

We should be loving these people every day of our lives, not just the day {Hall}marked on our calendars.

I feel so insincere wishing people a happy holiday. 

Not to mention, these holidays just seem to be fed off of obligation not genuineness.

Maybe I'm an odd bird, but I don't ever want someone to do something for me out of obligation (unless it's honoring a contract, but that's entirely different). I would prefer a thousand times that they genuinely do nothing. 

This lets me know where they are. And I'm completely okay with where they are, as long as they're somewhere.

I know not many people feel the same way I do about these days.

I know it's not about me, and it doesn't hurt me to give someone a call because it's in the air of the day.

I know at the end of the day I just need to get over myself.

But I'm not going to lie, because of how much I value genuineness, it's super hard to do.

Even if I'm being sincere in what I say, I feel like I'm almost not being sincere because I'm most likely only calling them on this day because it's the day marked out in the books to be obliged to do so.

Dog the Bounty Hunter

It's a rare thing for me to watch TV. 

It usually only happens when I walk into a room and it's on, which was the case this evening.

Tonight, Dog the Bounty Hunter captured my heart.

(The show. Not the man.)

We watch it, and many of us laugh, find it absurd, think they deserve what they've got coming to them.

And while it is a bit over the top.

And while they do deserve what's coming to them.

All I feel when I look at them is this incredible sadness.

They are so very trapped.

It's easy for us to be judgmental on the other side 

To think they must know there are better ways to live.

To think they know the right choices and are choosing not to make them.

I've lived in that world.

The one where jail time is assumed, drugs are served on the hour, having a good time is all that ever matters (because trying to forget the world you're in is preferable, and there's nothing else to live for anyway).

It's a vicious cycle.

One that's not often broken.

Without vision, people parish.

It's hard to see when there's only one option. 

It's hard to go somewhere different when there's only one sure place you're accepted and not looked down on.

It's hard to leave the comfort of familiarity.

Tonight, my heart is with those who are sick of their current situation but feel trapped and helpless.

Those whose lives have been the furthest thing from easy and who feel the least valued.

Those who just need a huge hug, someone to love them for who they are, someone to support them.

May they know Your love.

Short

It's always sobering to think just how short our little lives are.

In the moment, a year or two looks like a long time. 

We wonder how we could ever get through it.

But looking back...

It never seems quite as long as we thought it was.

Or even as unbearable as we feared it would be.

Sometimes, we even miss it just a smidge.

I want to be thankful for the seasons of life I live.

Which is why I try my darnedest (and many times fail that way, too) to live in the season I'm in right now, not the one of tomorrow. 

When I look back on this season I'm in right now (and every other season in my life) I want to be able to say, "Wow. What a great season that was. There were definitely challenges, but God was with me through it. And I learned so much."

I don't ever want to discredit the time I'm in right now by wishing it away. 

For my life is but a vapor.

A flower quickly fading.

But how beautiful it is.

A bit of a throwback. But thinking about seasons reminds me of this song...

Kids Get It.

Kids get community.

(And they understand what it means to be all in where they are.)

They just do. 

Yesterday I happened to go on a friend date with a mommy. We went somewhere kid-friendly (the mall play-place) so we could talk and he could play.

I got there a little early, and a girl came in with her mother and began playing. 

Once my friend got there, her child and the girl played together.

It wasn't long before many children were there, playing together.

When someone new came, they were automatically included.

When someone left, it was okay; it was understood it was time for them to leave.

They were all in where they were, giving all of themselves despite them knowing there would be an end to this time, that these people wouldn't be the ones who were always there.

You know what the best part of this was?

They just got it.

They didn't try to get it.

They didn't make up rules or conditions for how or why it should happen.

It just did.

And anyone who came was included.

Sometimes, we don't want to be where we are.

Sometimes, we don't want to leave where we are.

But what if we just accepted where we were?

What if we were able to put aside our fears and live life with the people we were with for as long as we were with them?

What if we decided it was worth investing in them and knowing them, even if only for a day?

What if we chose to accept that the one leading our steps knows better than us?

Sometimes, for some reason, children just get things we don't.

Maybe we should pay a little more attention to that.

After all, Jesus did say to come to him as a child does...

To Whom It May Concern...

Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you ought to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
Ooo the way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh
The way your kisses taste
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do, How I do
I've missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh I missed you
I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently. 

----------------------------------------------------------------

That is all.

Rooted

For the few who have actually gotten close to me, you've probably noticed I've taken to a couple of verses.

Ephesians 3:17-18, which talks about being rooted deeply in God's love. 

And Psalm 1:3, which is David asking God to plant him as a tree by water.

Time and time again, I'm drawn back to these verses.

At the core of who I am, I desire these things.

To be firmly rooted and established in Love (which is God-1John 4:8).

To be drawing from God so much that I pull from him as my main source just as a tree planted by a river constantly pulls in the water flowing next to it and the life it's providing.

For the longest time, this is the only way I've thought of the word rooted.

But the other day, it struck me...

There's another way to be rooted.

The way I normally use the word root is like it is in Ephesians, rooted in God's love, established, planted.

But what happens to a tree that has died? 

And what has to be done to a weed to insure that it doesn't come back?

They both must be pulled from the ground.

The puller must ensure that they are rooted... that their roots are pulled out.

No longer planted.

Completely detached.

Gone.

Which got me to thinking.

Am I rooted enough in God that I can let him root me of all other things?

Am I rooted enough in God that even when things don't make sense, even when the rooting hurts like no other pain I've experienced, I can choose to be okay with it continuing?

Are my roots deep enough to trust that God knows what he's doing when he decides to pull something out?

I want to be rooted. 

All definitions of the word.

Just Be.

Just be.

I feel like this has been the biggest lesson I've been learning over the past year.

Sure, there have been many, MANY other lessons over the year, but I absolutely think learning to just be has been the overarching theme, the one thing everything else is woven into.

It always amazes me how hard it is to simply be.

How much easier it is to have tons of things to strive for. 

How we think striving for many things is the answer, the definition of success.

How we think loving someone well couldn't possibly be enough. 

Even though Jesus explicitly said that the greatest commandment was to love God and to love your neighbor as yourself. And ALL other commandments hinge on that.

Not some.

Not most. 

All.

Every last commandment.

Every bit of what was considered so sacred.

It all works itself out.

It all boils down to love.

It's when we finally catch a glimpse of just how loved we are that we can just be.

When we realize how loved we are, we're able to let go, to let God do our contending for us.

To trust that he won't take us anywhere that isn't good for us.

When we know we are loved, we are able to love. 

And when we love those around us, we start to let go of ourselves.

We start caring less about what we want, what we "need".

And more about making sure that others know they are dearly loved, that we've got their back, .

Learning to just be, to simply love and simply live, to let go of my expectations, my security, my limited vantage points, my plans, my interpretation, my time table, to let go of me...

It's not easy.

But I won't stop.

Because losing myself means finding You.

And the less I hold onto, the more free I am.

I can literally feel myself changing.

I'm finally letting go.

If you want it 

Come and get it

Cause this love he has given you

Was never in doubt

Let go of your heart

Let go of your head

Just feel Him now

Cause I love, I love

I love your presence

Cause I love, I love

I love you,

Jesus

Only a Foreigner

Ruth fell at his feet and thanked him kindly. "What have I done to deserve such kindness?" she asked. "I am only a foreigner."

{Ruth 2:10}

I feel like this.

A lot.

Especially today.

And how does Boaz respond to Ruth? "Yes. I know." 

Then, he continues right along. He knows she's a foreigner. It's a big deal to her (and most other people in her time period). It would be like me visiting Greece and the president throwing me the greatest party he could, lavishing gifts upon me... crazy, right? But it doesn't seem to be a big deal to Boaz. He loves her anyway. He treats her as if she's been a citizen all her life. 

I know I'm no longer a foreigner to God, but some days I still have that mentality... like wow, you would really show me that much kindness, that much love? Even though I'm a foreigner? 

Incredible.

::TeCHNiCoLoR::

Wow.

It's incredible what clarity can do for you.

How a different perspective can turn your gray-scale world technicolor.

I just had a much needed conversation

And something I was reminded of from the actual conversation itself (not even the words that were spoken) was how stupid easy it is to think things that aren't the least bit true... all because of not simply asking to hear the truth. It's not even that we aren't able to hear; it's that we haven't grown the cojones to ask to hear.

How much heartache could be saved if we asked?

I imagine know there have been people who've suffered for years (YEARS!) because they never asked.

I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to be in that boat.

I also don't want to facilitate that for anyone else. 

I hope that the next time I start thinking something that seems the least bit shady, I ask.

I hope the next time I notice someone's body language change, how they start to semi-shut down, I ask.

Don't be afraid to ask.

Not only could you be saving yourself from unnecessary heartache, you could be saving someone else from the same thing.

Now, what the conversation was filled with?

Details aren't necessary.

But it's certainly the proof of deeply rooted love, not the negation of it.

And it honestly wouldn't surprise me if I never loved another again.

But that's a story for another day...

For some reason, I've been thinking about marriage the last few days.

(I know. Shocking.)

But in a different way than I've ever thought about it before.

Maybe Paul was onto something...

In First Corinthians 7, Paul advises those who are single to stay single, unless of course they are unable to control their sexual urges. He says that if you are married, it's good, but if you are single, it's even better.

Now, let's be honest here, it would take a major act of God for me to control my sexual urges for my entire life.
But I think I can finally see where Paul was coming from.
I see more marriages that hinder the people involved than ones that enable the people involved.
And I don't at all want that.
I would rather stay single for my whole life than marry someone who would hold me back for being who I'm supposed to be.
(Ummm.. did I just admit that?)

Which is why I'm totally content in waiting longer than I wanted for whoever it ends up being.
(Yeah, Paul didn't quite talk me out of being married.)

I want us to enable each other to accomplish more than we would have alone.
I want us to be a real picture of how Christ loves the church [Ephesians 5].

Something Jesus says kind of makes me wonder why we put so much focus into something that doesn't last through this life.
Jesus replied, "Your mistake is that you don't know the scripture, and you don't know the power of God. For when the dead rise, they will neither marry nor be given in marriage. In this respect they will be like angels in heaven.." [Matthew 22:29-30]

But then again, we put a lot of emphasis on a lot of things that don't ever make it past this life.
And I think marriage is more that someone comes along who just fits with you, who enables you to be a better you, who encourages you, who is willing to go to the depths with you, and who helps bring you closer to Love.
Oh, and you do the same for them.

I'm also only twenty, so...

Thankful Thursday

So...

I've officially been accepted into nursing school for the 2012 school year.

SCORE.

This year I'll be taking every single class that will transfer, which is almost a full academic year (minus a class). 

I'm pretty excited. I literally got the letter last night and went and paid my deposit this morning.

But I think more than anything, I'm relieved and super thankful.

Yes, this means the next four years of my life will be spent in school.

Yes, this means I will have to live in Indiana during this time.

But it also means that in roughly four years, I will be taking the NCLEX.

I will then be able to work as a nurse, gain a few years of experience, work on becoming a practitioner, and start taking my skills overseas.

I can think of no better skill to have to offer those in need overseas. Millions are literally dying of easily preventable diseases. And I can't think of a more tangible expression of Christ's love than that of physical mending. 

As a nurse, I will have intimate access into the lives of many who are facing some of the most difficult, trying times of their lives. I will have the opportunity to offer them love and acceptance they've never known.

As much as I've tried fighting formal education the last couple of years, I know that this will be an incredible occupation and by-far the best use of my God-given abilities.

Despite all the hard work ahead, I'm very much looking forward to it.

And I'm super thankful that I got accepted into a small, hands-on school that is revered for its excellence.

Control

I wonder how much time the disciples actually had to themselves.

Did they read? 

Did they journal? 

Did they devote time and attention to bettering themselves?

Or did they just simply love and simply live?

I think most of the time, they were simply with the people they were with.

They served those around them.

They didn't worry about being the most studied, the best politician, the most admired.

They just were.

Don't worry.

I'm not about to abandon ship and forget my education is important to obtain, especially because it's one of those things that will better countless around me.

But I can definitely lay off the comparing thoughts, the ones that say I'm not doing as much as those around me to fill my mind with crazy amounts of knowledge.

I would so much rather be out loving people than cooped up in my house reading a book a day.

Besides, I'm pretty sure hoarding knowledge in my mind and never using it is a bit on the hypocritical side.

Today, I'm reminded there were scars before my scars.

And I'm letting a little bit more go.

Reminding myself  just be.

:)

For the first time in a long time, I feel really good. 

Like REALLY good.

Complete. Whole. Healed.

(Well. Aside from recovering from the great strep throat incident of May.- It's mending quite well.)

I'm continually amazed at just how much God loves me.

It's obvious that I have issues and always will, but it's also completely obvious that I am dearly loved and cared about, at least by God. 

-------------------------------------------------------

The last few months have entailed of me breaking my own heart, losing a best friend, freaking out about school, growing slightly apathetic (just long enough to be disgusted by it), slowly processing loss of said friend, freaking out about school again, continuing to process loss of said friend, and finally being okay with where I am with it all.
(Not that I think you can or should just get over a person, but being okay with changes in a relationship and being willing to implement those and occasionally move on is good.)

It's been an interesting journey.

Talking with a dear friend tonight helped me put some things into perspective, helped remind me of what happens when community actually happens.

Having another friend bring me sorbet and gelato for my throat and hang out with me despite my infectiousness helped remind me that there are still people who totally care.

I realize this may be jumbled, but that's what happens when you write a blog post at two in the morning after not sleeping well for a few days and being decently sick.

I think I'm still going to post it.

Mainly because I feel like I've hit a milestone, which is important to record.

It may not seem like much to most people, and it may not be that interesting to read this poorly constructed blog entry, but it's exciting for me to be able to say that and to genuinely feel that way.

Okay. Off to slumber land.

Last night as I was drifting off to slumber land, I was talking to God, and I remember thinking, "I feel like I'm forgotten, and I don't really feel loved right now, at least by people, but I'm so, so thankful that you always remember me." 

And just to prove me wrong, I wake up a few hours later to a text that literally says, "You are not forgotten, and you are still loved." 

This morning, there was also an, "I love you" posted on my wall from the same time frame.

Yeah, God is pretty stinkin' cool.

I think know I forget sometimes.

It's pretty easy to find myself distracted.

My mind races a million miles a minute.

But today I'm going to do my best to simply be.

I'm sure there's more going on in my little mind, but I'll save that for another time.

Go out an enjoy the beauty that is today.

Sticky Note to Myself

Why is it so hard for us as humans to focus on today?

Or maybe it's just me.

I'll admit it.

Sometimes it's hard to focus on the moment.

Now, there are certainly times when it's appropriate to gaze upon the future.

There are times when God tells us things he wants to accomplish through us.

But when we focus on that instead of on the moment and place he has us in right now, we inevitably miss out on what he's got for us and through us.

We miss out on the things in the moment that we should be catching.

And I know I'm sadly guilty of this.

Too often.

So this is a little reminder to myself to slow down and focus on today.

For today has enough worries of its own.

And God has my back.

He's got today and tomorrow down already.

I don't have to try so hard to be me.

Confessions (Where's Usher When You Need Him?)

I know I just wrote about how I actually like being a girl and all that jazz.

And it's true, I do, but sometimes, some things are more difficult because I am a girl.

Like letting feelings go.

Like trying to forget about someone you miss. 

Like trying to not love someone in the same capacity you once did.

I just don't understand why I still miss you this much, especially when I know you don't think of me.

I know I did the right thing.

I know I needed this season in my life.

Doing what I did rooted my biggest issue, the one thing I didn't fully place before God.

Which is good.

But why is it that lately, I've been missing you?

I guess I just miss my best {human} friend.

But I don't want to miss you like this anymore, not if you never think of me, too.

Not if I'm not special to you anymore.

Why is it that I do?

And these are my confessions.

I'm a Girl?

Over the past couple of years, I've begun to appreciate the fact that I'm a girl. 

I know that probably sounds silly, but up until well into my first year at Teen Mania, I didn't like being a girl. 

I shirked all things girly. 

I wouldn't use a purse; I wouldn't wear dresses.

I would purposely un-identify with girls.

I did/believed this because the major example of what a woman is supposed to be in my life failed.

Instead of seeing a priceless gift, I saw a treasure better suited for the junk yard.

(Disclaimer, I believe ever human is incredibly valuable and deserves to be treated as such, without condition.) 

I saw women as flighty, fickle, manipulative, liars, gossips, incredibly selfish, skanky, unrealistic...

And while there is a bit of truth to a few of these (come on, we're human, we're all a bit fickle, flighty, unrealistic, incredibly selfish),  they certainly should not be applied across the board. 

While at Teen Mania (no, this is not a plug for them, though I do appreciate who I became while I was there), 

I was exposed to all types of women, lots of them, and I was required to room with them - five to be exact.

And you know what the funny thing was?

None of them seemed to resemble the woman I based my view of women on.

Not one.

Sure, they had their flaws, but overall, these women were stunning, and they were revered as such.

They brought life to the world around them.

They enjoyed being who they were.

They were confident.

By the time my first year was halfway over, I started to come to terms with myself and found that it might actually be okay to like this girly stuff, to act like a girl, and to be confident in doing so.

I started to like wearing dresses and to love spending time with the women in my life.

And I learned that feeling things wasn't bad, that wanting things girls want was okay; it didn't make me absurd, stupid, or worthless. It made me a girl.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Circles of Life (This Ain't the Lion King)

I hate that I find myself in this trap every couple of months.

That one that says I need to have it all figured out right now, that I need to know what I'm doing with my life instead of focusing on the moment I'm in.

The worst part is that I never see it coming.

The second worst part is that it generally takes a little while for me to see that I got caught again.

Then I start thinking about all the things I'm doing and not doing. All the things I "should" be doing or want to be doing but am not. It's just not a good cycle. At all. 

I can't focus.

I get my mind thinking in circles.

I trip myself with my own cables. 

And fall down.

HARD.

As you can imagine, getting back up is rather difficult.

But today is the day I get back up. 

Again.

And I'll probably fall again.

Because I am undoubtedly human.

But I will get back up.

God's still got my back.

He's got all of me.

I am one very loved girl.

Hmmm...

At present moment, I kind of wonder what the heck it is I'm doing. 

Really.

I'm taking classes so I can apply to nursing school for the class starting in fall 2012. 

But is it really what I want to/should do?

Or is it just something I'm doing because I always thought I would do it, because it presents the facade of being "secure"? (I'm not entirely naive, nothing is really secure.)

I've told a few people, but if I could do anything without thinking about limitations, I would be a singer/songwriter (or their assistant or something to that extent) who got to travel a good portion of the year, playing a different city every week, traveling a few days a week, and loving people in the communities we're visiting a few days a week.

Basically, I feel the need to be doing something creative. 

Conversely, I feel the need to be doing something that deeply affects the small group of people I'm able to have contact with. And sometimes I even feel like it shouldn't just be a small group of people. 

But I can do something creative in my spare time, I suppose...

It would help if I could properly identify my giftings, those things I'm just naturally good at.

I can throw myself into practically anything and make it happen if need be.

God, can You just send me a husband with a vision I connect really well with? Soon? Then I can back him in whatever he's doing. I can back vision. But when it comes to having my own... I just know I'm supposed to love the people around me, and try to listen to and do whatever God asks me to. Beyond that, there are snippets of time when my heart really comes alive. And I don't know if I'm supposed to attempt to capitalize on those moments or not (it's hard to pinpoint exactly what they are sometimes). 

I don't want the American dream. I don't care about making a lot of money. All I need is enough. 

I know God will take care of me, somehow.

But right now, I don't really know what I'm doing.

From Someone Who Once Thought They Had it All Together

Many, many times,

 in a land not so far away, 

there was a girl who thought she had it all together. 

Despite several indirect attempts from the world around her, 

she never quite heard that those thoughts weren't really true... 

at all.

---------------------------------------------------------

I should warn the two people who might actually read this, my biggest issue in writing has always been thesis. This post is probably going to have a thesis issue.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's just something about being a young adult that makes you feel like you can conquer the world, that nothing can stop you, that you have it all together, all figured out, that your ideas and views are the right ones. 

It's a special bread of arrogance reserved particularly for the ~17 to 25 crew. 

Most people realize their humanness after a few bouts with the real world, and their arrogance begins to tarry. For others, it takes a larger, harder blow to the stomach that sends them sailing to the ground. 

But eventually, the majority of us start to understand that we totally don't have it figured out.

It's been scientifically proven that the logic part of our brain doesn't fully develop until around age 20 to 23. 

I kind of shrugged this off for a long time, acknowledging it but not really believing it applied to me. A lot of norms legitimately don't apply to me, so why should this one? 

But over the last few months, I've been very assured that this does apply to me (along with several of the other normalcies of life).

It's like I can feel my mind changing. My once chaotically messy, overwhelming thoughts are becoming much clearer. I'm starting to see things differently, almost more completely. And instead of overwhelming me, my thoughts guide me to what is actually going on in this space I call my head. 

A couple of these thoughts:

I am a terrible friend. Say what you want. I won't refute you, but I also probably won't agree with you.

Because it's true.

Sure, I listen well. I'm there when I'm needed. I offer what wisdom God has so graciously given me. I take care of any need I am able to, usually without being asked and without the need being expressed. I don't take offense. I assume the best in people. But that doesn't make me a good friend. 

It makes me a good servant, a good caregiver. A trustworthy pillar. A source of calm. A keeper of confidences and a lover of the unlovable.

But all of this still doesn't make me a good friend.

Friendship is built on mutual disclosure, mutual support, mutual confidence.

All of which I majorly fail at.

The reasons I have for not disclosing are all my own, but most of them begin with fear and end with unworthiness-both of which are lies. Only in this recent time of admitting this to myself at the core of who I am  have I been able to root some of these faults. But it's still going to take a bit; roots of an old tree are hard to redirect. At least I am now able to go in knowing this, purposely disclosing things upfront.

It's definitely a process.

Second thought: 

Fear of failure.

Apparently, it still exists. 

Yeah, yeah. Call me naive for not seeing it in myself.

I know, KNOW, that I am supposed to be using all things artsy to express the things God has gifted to me to gift to the world. This includes (but is not limited to): writing (prose, poetry, lyrics), painting, drawing, singing, cooking, baking, pottery, sewing, you name it. 

But what has been keeping me from doing it?

Fear.

Fear of failing at it.

It's absurd to think I can fail at something like that. It's sad to think I'm afraid of people seeing what I create for fear they won't think it's good enough. 

I finally got brave enough to paint something I envisioned months ago (literally, the day I envisioned it I immediately went and bought the paint, canvas, and new brushes, and the stuff sat in my room for months untouched because I was scared I would mess up). 

When all was said and done, I created something way better than I expected. It's not Michaelangelo by any means, and it probably wouldn't win me any award, but it left me in awe and caused me to turn to God (which is always a good thing).

Painting this one painting has helped me conquer some of my fear.

Writing songs with and for someone else, singing in my semi-okay voice and playing not-so-skilled guitar in front of them while crafting and versing words is helping me conquer it a whole lot more. 

---------------------------------------------

I find that I'm on clearly-marked, well-worn, hidden trail in the woods of my heart.

One that's been waiting for my feet long before I was able to walk.

Here's to a nice, long stroll, briers, thorns, and sunflowers included.

Tonight is one of those nights that I want you.

I long for your arrival, for you to sweep me off my feet.

A partner, a fellow lover of Jesus, passionate and unshakable.

A treasured friend and companion.

Someone who pushes me to Christ constantly, in heart, action, and speech.

One who allows the Spirit to dwell in them and direct their every move.

Someone not afraid to go to the depths.

Someone who longs to show the world they are loved.

Wherever you are, tonight, I'm praying for you.

That you wouldn't doubt the plans He has for you.

That you would be patient and alert.

That you would know how loved you are.

That you would rest in Him and allow Him to work through you at all times.

But for now, I'll tuck these thoughts away.

They are never at the forefront for too long. Just long enough.

The time will come soon.

Until then.

PS. The pictures are linked.

PPS. I did not take them. The first one courtesy of flcik'ro; the second Aaron Varga.