Last night as I was drifting off to slumber land, I was talking to God, and I remember thinking, "I feel like I'm forgotten, and I don't really feel loved right now, at least by people, but I'm so, so thankful that you always remember me." 

And just to prove me wrong, I wake up a few hours later to a text that literally says, "You are not forgotten, and you are still loved." 

This morning, there was also an, "I love you" posted on my wall from the same time frame.

Yeah, God is pretty stinkin' cool.

I think know I forget sometimes.

It's pretty easy to find myself distracted.

My mind races a million miles a minute.

But today I'm going to do my best to simply be.

I'm sure there's more going on in my little mind, but I'll save that for another time.

Go out an enjoy the beauty that is today.

Sticky Note to Myself

Why is it so hard for us as humans to focus on today?

Or maybe it's just me.

I'll admit it.

Sometimes it's hard to focus on the moment.

Now, there are certainly times when it's appropriate to gaze upon the future.

There are times when God tells us things he wants to accomplish through us.

But when we focus on that instead of on the moment and place he has us in right now, we inevitably miss out on what he's got for us and through us.

We miss out on the things in the moment that we should be catching.

And I know I'm sadly guilty of this.

Too often.

So this is a little reminder to myself to slow down and focus on today.

For today has enough worries of its own.

And God has my back.

He's got today and tomorrow down already.

I don't have to try so hard to be me.

Confessions (Where's Usher When You Need Him?)

I know I just wrote about how I actually like being a girl and all that jazz.

And it's true, I do, but sometimes, some things are more difficult because I am a girl.

Like letting feelings go.

Like trying to forget about someone you miss. 

Like trying to not love someone in the same capacity you once did.

I just don't understand why I still miss you this much, especially when I know you don't think of me.

I know I did the right thing.

I know I needed this season in my life.

Doing what I did rooted my biggest issue, the one thing I didn't fully place before God.

Which is good.

But why is it that lately, I've been missing you?

I guess I just miss my best {human} friend.

But I don't want to miss you like this anymore, not if you never think of me, too.

Not if I'm not special to you anymore.

Why is it that I do?

And these are my confessions.

I'm a Girl?

Over the past couple of years, I've begun to appreciate the fact that I'm a girl. 

I know that probably sounds silly, but up until well into my first year at Teen Mania, I didn't like being a girl. 

I shirked all things girly. 

I wouldn't use a purse; I wouldn't wear dresses.

I would purposely un-identify with girls.

I did/believed this because the major example of what a woman is supposed to be in my life failed.

Instead of seeing a priceless gift, I saw a treasure better suited for the junk yard.

(Disclaimer, I believe ever human is incredibly valuable and deserves to be treated as such, without condition.) 

I saw women as flighty, fickle, manipulative, liars, gossips, incredibly selfish, skanky, unrealistic...

And while there is a bit of truth to a few of these (come on, we're human, we're all a bit fickle, flighty, unrealistic, incredibly selfish),  they certainly should not be applied across the board. 

While at Teen Mania (no, this is not a plug for them, though I do appreciate who I became while I was there), 

I was exposed to all types of women, lots of them, and I was required to room with them - five to be exact.

And you know what the funny thing was?

None of them seemed to resemble the woman I based my view of women on.

Not one.

Sure, they had their flaws, but overall, these women were stunning, and they were revered as such.

They brought life to the world around them.

They enjoyed being who they were.

They were confident.

By the time my first year was halfway over, I started to come to terms with myself and found that it might actually be okay to like this girly stuff, to act like a girl, and to be confident in doing so.

I started to like wearing dresses and to love spending time with the women in my life.

And I learned that feeling things wasn't bad, that wanting things girls want was okay; it didn't make me absurd, stupid, or worthless. It made me a girl.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Circles of Life (This Ain't the Lion King)

I hate that I find myself in this trap every couple of months.

That one that says I need to have it all figured out right now, that I need to know what I'm doing with my life instead of focusing on the moment I'm in.

The worst part is that I never see it coming.

The second worst part is that it generally takes a little while for me to see that I got caught again.

Then I start thinking about all the things I'm doing and not doing. All the things I "should" be doing or want to be doing but am not. It's just not a good cycle. At all. 

I can't focus.

I get my mind thinking in circles.

I trip myself with my own cables. 

And fall down.

HARD.

As you can imagine, getting back up is rather difficult.

But today is the day I get back up. 

Again.

And I'll probably fall again.

Because I am undoubtedly human.

But I will get back up.

God's still got my back.

He's got all of me.

I am one very loved girl.

Hmmm...

At present moment, I kind of wonder what the heck it is I'm doing. 

Really.

I'm taking classes so I can apply to nursing school for the class starting in fall 2012. 

But is it really what I want to/should do?

Or is it just something I'm doing because I always thought I would do it, because it presents the facade of being "secure"? (I'm not entirely naive, nothing is really secure.)

I've told a few people, but if I could do anything without thinking about limitations, I would be a singer/songwriter (or their assistant or something to that extent) who got to travel a good portion of the year, playing a different city every week, traveling a few days a week, and loving people in the communities we're visiting a few days a week.

Basically, I feel the need to be doing something creative. 

Conversely, I feel the need to be doing something that deeply affects the small group of people I'm able to have contact with. And sometimes I even feel like it shouldn't just be a small group of people. 

But I can do something creative in my spare time, I suppose...

It would help if I could properly identify my giftings, those things I'm just naturally good at.

I can throw myself into practically anything and make it happen if need be.

God, can You just send me a husband with a vision I connect really well with? Soon? Then I can back him in whatever he's doing. I can back vision. But when it comes to having my own... I just know I'm supposed to love the people around me, and try to listen to and do whatever God asks me to. Beyond that, there are snippets of time when my heart really comes alive. And I don't know if I'm supposed to attempt to capitalize on those moments or not (it's hard to pinpoint exactly what they are sometimes). 

I don't want the American dream. I don't care about making a lot of money. All I need is enough. 

I know God will take care of me, somehow.

But right now, I don't really know what I'm doing.

From Someone Who Once Thought They Had it All Together

Many, many times,

 in a land not so far away, 

there was a girl who thought she had it all together. 

Despite several indirect attempts from the world around her, 

she never quite heard that those thoughts weren't really true... 

at all.

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I should warn the two people who might actually read this, my biggest issue in writing has always been thesis. This post is probably going to have a thesis issue.

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There's just something about being a young adult that makes you feel like you can conquer the world, that nothing can stop you, that you have it all together, all figured out, that your ideas and views are the right ones. 

It's a special bread of arrogance reserved particularly for the ~17 to 25 crew. 

Most people realize their humanness after a few bouts with the real world, and their arrogance begins to tarry. For others, it takes a larger, harder blow to the stomach that sends them sailing to the ground. 

But eventually, the majority of us start to understand that we totally don't have it figured out.

It's been scientifically proven that the logic part of our brain doesn't fully develop until around age 20 to 23. 

I kind of shrugged this off for a long time, acknowledging it but not really believing it applied to me. A lot of norms legitimately don't apply to me, so why should this one? 

But over the last few months, I've been very assured that this does apply to me (along with several of the other normalcies of life).

It's like I can feel my mind changing. My once chaotically messy, overwhelming thoughts are becoming much clearer. I'm starting to see things differently, almost more completely. And instead of overwhelming me, my thoughts guide me to what is actually going on in this space I call my head. 

A couple of these thoughts:

I am a terrible friend. Say what you want. I won't refute you, but I also probably won't agree with you.

Because it's true.

Sure, I listen well. I'm there when I'm needed. I offer what wisdom God has so graciously given me. I take care of any need I am able to, usually without being asked and without the need being expressed. I don't take offense. I assume the best in people. But that doesn't make me a good friend. 

It makes me a good servant, a good caregiver. A trustworthy pillar. A source of calm. A keeper of confidences and a lover of the unlovable.

But all of this still doesn't make me a good friend.

Friendship is built on mutual disclosure, mutual support, mutual confidence.

All of which I majorly fail at.

The reasons I have for not disclosing are all my own, but most of them begin with fear and end with unworthiness-both of which are lies. Only in this recent time of admitting this to myself at the core of who I am  have I been able to root some of these faults. But it's still going to take a bit; roots of an old tree are hard to redirect. At least I am now able to go in knowing this, purposely disclosing things upfront.

It's definitely a process.

Second thought: 

Fear of failure.

Apparently, it still exists. 

Yeah, yeah. Call me naive for not seeing it in myself.

I know, KNOW, that I am supposed to be using all things artsy to express the things God has gifted to me to gift to the world. This includes (but is not limited to): writing (prose, poetry, lyrics), painting, drawing, singing, cooking, baking, pottery, sewing, you name it. 

But what has been keeping me from doing it?

Fear.

Fear of failing at it.

It's absurd to think I can fail at something like that. It's sad to think I'm afraid of people seeing what I create for fear they won't think it's good enough. 

I finally got brave enough to paint something I envisioned months ago (literally, the day I envisioned it I immediately went and bought the paint, canvas, and new brushes, and the stuff sat in my room for months untouched because I was scared I would mess up). 

When all was said and done, I created something way better than I expected. It's not Michaelangelo by any means, and it probably wouldn't win me any award, but it left me in awe and caused me to turn to God (which is always a good thing).

Painting this one painting has helped me conquer some of my fear.

Writing songs with and for someone else, singing in my semi-okay voice and playing not-so-skilled guitar in front of them while crafting and versing words is helping me conquer it a whole lot more. 

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I find that I'm on clearly-marked, well-worn, hidden trail in the woods of my heart.

One that's been waiting for my feet long before I was able to walk.

Here's to a nice, long stroll, briers, thorns, and sunflowers included.

Tonight is one of those nights that I want you.

I long for your arrival, for you to sweep me off my feet.

A partner, a fellow lover of Jesus, passionate and unshakable.

A treasured friend and companion.

Someone who pushes me to Christ constantly, in heart, action, and speech.

One who allows the Spirit to dwell in them and direct their every move.

Someone not afraid to go to the depths.

Someone who longs to show the world they are loved.

Wherever you are, tonight, I'm praying for you.

That you wouldn't doubt the plans He has for you.

That you would be patient and alert.

That you would know how loved you are.

That you would rest in Him and allow Him to work through you at all times.

But for now, I'll tuck these thoughts away.

They are never at the forefront for too long. Just long enough.

The time will come soon.

Until then.

PS. The pictures are linked.

PPS. I did not take them. The first one courtesy of flcik'ro; the second Aaron Varga.

The Other Side of a Heart

My heart has faced some hard realities, as of late.

Doing the deed I did the other night was far more difficult than anything I could have prepared for. It's something that doesn't and can't have a script. 

It's been difficult to not feel guilty about it because I know that blame falls purely on my shoulders. If I would have just listened to that still, small voice the first, second, eighth, eleventh, twentieth time I heard it, a lot of pain would have been avoided. 

But instead, I chose to listen to the lies.

The ones that said this was my only shot at intimacy, even if it wasn't right.

So, I ignored the voice.

I pretended it didn't speak, that the voice I heard wasn't really saying what it was saying.

Because I wanted it so SO badly...

And as a result, my days over the past six months became progressively more confusing and restless.

The worst part is that I pulled out of the depths of God. I only went in so deep because I was afraid He was going to say what I initially heard Him say, and I knew I couldn't ignore Him forever... 

There was one point that I admitted to hearing that voice.

But it lasted all of a week, and then I gave in again.

Because I didn't want it to be true.

And I don't think the other party did either.

It finally got to the point where something had to give.

After months of not really responding to the calls from God to go deeper, my soul was thirsty, and I was slowly starting to delve into Him again. Though I desperately wanted to, of course we couldn't bypass this. The issue wasn't just some decision, it was a matter of the heart. And all we have to do is go read Jesus' words to know that all He really cares about is our hearts.

After days of prayer, pondering, and fighting with myself, I knew what I needed to do.

It was what I should have done all along.

I had to give God my greatest desire; I had to give Him the reigns... even though giving up control is the hardest thing in the world to do.

It was dirty. It was painful. It IS painful...

I feel like I've finally handed over my last stronghold.

My greatest earthly desire is to be known and loved, deeply-flaws and all.

And I don't think that desire in and of itself is necessary wrong.

But it is wrong when I want it so badly that I shut God out, and I put not only myself in a compromising situation, but I dragged someone else there with me.

I believe that the friendship that person and I had was completely God orchestrated. There's no doubt in my mind. He taught me more about my worth in a summer than anyone has in my entire life. He loved me like no other and exemplifies the love of Christ on a daily basis. He took the time to get to know me, even the junky parts, and chose to love me anyway. We had the purest, most intimate friendship I have seen to date. And it was a *beautiful* example of what love really is. For that, I can never repay him.

Unfortunately it was only meant to be a friendship...

And that is a hard, hard pill to swallow.

But maybe it wasn't so unfortunate...

More than anything, I wish I would have listened in the beginning. The worst part has been losing the incredible friendship. The one that flowed with Christ's love and the ease of siblings. I don't even care about romance anymore. That's obviously not in God's plan for me at this point in life. If I would have accepted that in the beginning, our friendship would still be as lovely as it was before.

And with that, on this side of my heart, I've learned a hard, hard lesson. One that will permeate my thoughts on a daily basis for years to come. Though the pain is still there, so is the incredible peace of God and the knowledge that I did exactly what I was supposed to do. 

I pray that I didn't harm him too much. I pray that he will cling to God and go deeper with Him than he EVER has before. I pray that his future wife will be the most *incredible* woman he could have ever imagined and that she will know the man she married loves her with a heart as pure and radiant as gold and as faithful as the sun is to the moon. I pray the best for him and that he will know he is a man, a good man, adequate and capable in every way. 

And Sometimes... Sometimes It's Just Something You Have to Do.

I'm about to do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. 

I don't want to do it. 

I don't want to do it because I know it's going to hurt someone.

I think that's why I took so long before I did it...

Except for, I probably just hurt them way more than I would have originally hurt them.

FAIL. 

Obviously, on my part.

And as I'm sitting here in the moments before doing this deed, I'm thinking of all the things I'm going to miss, about how my own fears and insecurities have fueled me, about how I just want to be with Jesus.

I know that Jesus is big enough to catch us. 

I know that nothing is bigger than Him.

And I know that the person I'm going to inevitably cause pain did NOT see it coming...

I also know that in the long run, this is the best decision for both of us.

I'm so SO thankful that God forgets the past, that the past is wiped away because the blood of Jesus cleanses. I don't deserve the mercies I am constantly given; yet, God chooses to give them anyway. When He looks at me, He sees Jesus. And that is awesome. It's more than enough to bring me to my knees.

DEEP BREATH.

I can do this.

Somehow. 

Jesus, give me words to speak.

Catch my dear friend; they're going to need you a little more than normal very shortly.

And I know I've shed thousands of tears today.

Thank you for being my strength, oh God.

With ALL the love You've given me to give~