Hmmm...

At present moment, I kind of wonder what the heck it is I'm doing. 

Really.

I'm taking classes so I can apply to nursing school for the class starting in fall 2012. 

But is it really what I want to/should do?

Or is it just something I'm doing because I always thought I would do it, because it presents the facade of being "secure"? (I'm not entirely naive, nothing is really secure.)

I've told a few people, but if I could do anything without thinking about limitations, I would be a singer/songwriter (or their assistant or something to that extent) who got to travel a good portion of the year, playing a different city every week, traveling a few days a week, and loving people in the communities we're visiting a few days a week.

Basically, I feel the need to be doing something creative. 

Conversely, I feel the need to be doing something that deeply affects the small group of people I'm able to have contact with. And sometimes I even feel like it shouldn't just be a small group of people. 

But I can do something creative in my spare time, I suppose...

It would help if I could properly identify my giftings, those things I'm just naturally good at.

I can throw myself into practically anything and make it happen if need be.

God, can You just send me a husband with a vision I connect really well with? Soon? Then I can back him in whatever he's doing. I can back vision. But when it comes to having my own... I just know I'm supposed to love the people around me, and try to listen to and do whatever God asks me to. Beyond that, there are snippets of time when my heart really comes alive. And I don't know if I'm supposed to attempt to capitalize on those moments or not (it's hard to pinpoint exactly what they are sometimes). 

I don't want the American dream. I don't care about making a lot of money. All I need is enough. 

I know God will take care of me, somehow.

But right now, I don't really know what I'm doing.

From Someone Who Once Thought They Had it All Together

Many, many times,

 in a land not so far away, 

there was a girl who thought she had it all together. 

Despite several indirect attempts from the world around her, 

she never quite heard that those thoughts weren't really true... 

at all.

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I should warn the two people who might actually read this, my biggest issue in writing has always been thesis. This post is probably going to have a thesis issue.

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There's just something about being a young adult that makes you feel like you can conquer the world, that nothing can stop you, that you have it all together, all figured out, that your ideas and views are the right ones. 

It's a special bread of arrogance reserved particularly for the ~17 to 25 crew. 

Most people realize their humanness after a few bouts with the real world, and their arrogance begins to tarry. For others, it takes a larger, harder blow to the stomach that sends them sailing to the ground. 

But eventually, the majority of us start to understand that we totally don't have it figured out.

It's been scientifically proven that the logic part of our brain doesn't fully develop until around age 20 to 23. 

I kind of shrugged this off for a long time, acknowledging it but not really believing it applied to me. A lot of norms legitimately don't apply to me, so why should this one? 

But over the last few months, I've been very assured that this does apply to me (along with several of the other normalcies of life).

It's like I can feel my mind changing. My once chaotically messy, overwhelming thoughts are becoming much clearer. I'm starting to see things differently, almost more completely. And instead of overwhelming me, my thoughts guide me to what is actually going on in this space I call my head. 

A couple of these thoughts:

I am a terrible friend. Say what you want. I won't refute you, but I also probably won't agree with you.

Because it's true.

Sure, I listen well. I'm there when I'm needed. I offer what wisdom God has so graciously given me. I take care of any need I am able to, usually without being asked and without the need being expressed. I don't take offense. I assume the best in people. But that doesn't make me a good friend. 

It makes me a good servant, a good caregiver. A trustworthy pillar. A source of calm. A keeper of confidences and a lover of the unlovable.

But all of this still doesn't make me a good friend.

Friendship is built on mutual disclosure, mutual support, mutual confidence.

All of which I majorly fail at.

The reasons I have for not disclosing are all my own, but most of them begin with fear and end with unworthiness-both of which are lies. Only in this recent time of admitting this to myself at the core of who I am  have I been able to root some of these faults. But it's still going to take a bit; roots of an old tree are hard to redirect. At least I am now able to go in knowing this, purposely disclosing things upfront.

It's definitely a process.

Second thought: 

Fear of failure.

Apparently, it still exists. 

Yeah, yeah. Call me naive for not seeing it in myself.

I know, KNOW, that I am supposed to be using all things artsy to express the things God has gifted to me to gift to the world. This includes (but is not limited to): writing (prose, poetry, lyrics), painting, drawing, singing, cooking, baking, pottery, sewing, you name it. 

But what has been keeping me from doing it?

Fear.

Fear of failing at it.

It's absurd to think I can fail at something like that. It's sad to think I'm afraid of people seeing what I create for fear they won't think it's good enough. 

I finally got brave enough to paint something I envisioned months ago (literally, the day I envisioned it I immediately went and bought the paint, canvas, and new brushes, and the stuff sat in my room for months untouched because I was scared I would mess up). 

When all was said and done, I created something way better than I expected. It's not Michaelangelo by any means, and it probably wouldn't win me any award, but it left me in awe and caused me to turn to God (which is always a good thing).

Painting this one painting has helped me conquer some of my fear.

Writing songs with and for someone else, singing in my semi-okay voice and playing not-so-skilled guitar in front of them while crafting and versing words is helping me conquer it a whole lot more. 

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I find that I'm on clearly-marked, well-worn, hidden trail in the woods of my heart.

One that's been waiting for my feet long before I was able to walk.

Here's to a nice, long stroll, briers, thorns, and sunflowers included.

Tonight is one of those nights that I want you.

I long for your arrival, for you to sweep me off my feet.

A partner, a fellow lover of Jesus, passionate and unshakable.

A treasured friend and companion.

Someone who pushes me to Christ constantly, in heart, action, and speech.

One who allows the Spirit to dwell in them and direct their every move.

Someone not afraid to go to the depths.

Someone who longs to show the world they are loved.

Wherever you are, tonight, I'm praying for you.

That you wouldn't doubt the plans He has for you.

That you would be patient and alert.

That you would know how loved you are.

That you would rest in Him and allow Him to work through you at all times.

But for now, I'll tuck these thoughts away.

They are never at the forefront for too long. Just long enough.

The time will come soon.

Until then.

PS. The pictures are linked.

PPS. I did not take them. The first one courtesy of flcik'ro; the second Aaron Varga.

The Other Side of a Heart

My heart has faced some hard realities, as of late.

Doing the deed I did the other night was far more difficult than anything I could have prepared for. It's something that doesn't and can't have a script. 

It's been difficult to not feel guilty about it because I know that blame falls purely on my shoulders. If I would have just listened to that still, small voice the first, second, eighth, eleventh, twentieth time I heard it, a lot of pain would have been avoided. 

But instead, I chose to listen to the lies.

The ones that said this was my only shot at intimacy, even if it wasn't right.

So, I ignored the voice.

I pretended it didn't speak, that the voice I heard wasn't really saying what it was saying.

Because I wanted it so SO badly...

And as a result, my days over the past six months became progressively more confusing and restless.

The worst part is that I pulled out of the depths of God. I only went in so deep because I was afraid He was going to say what I initially heard Him say, and I knew I couldn't ignore Him forever... 

There was one point that I admitted to hearing that voice.

But it lasted all of a week, and then I gave in again.

Because I didn't want it to be true.

And I don't think the other party did either.

It finally got to the point where something had to give.

After months of not really responding to the calls from God to go deeper, my soul was thirsty, and I was slowly starting to delve into Him again. Though I desperately wanted to, of course we couldn't bypass this. The issue wasn't just some decision, it was a matter of the heart. And all we have to do is go read Jesus' words to know that all He really cares about is our hearts.

After days of prayer, pondering, and fighting with myself, I knew what I needed to do.

It was what I should have done all along.

I had to give God my greatest desire; I had to give Him the reigns... even though giving up control is the hardest thing in the world to do.

It was dirty. It was painful. It IS painful...

I feel like I've finally handed over my last stronghold.

My greatest earthly desire is to be known and loved, deeply-flaws and all.

And I don't think that desire in and of itself is necessary wrong.

But it is wrong when I want it so badly that I shut God out, and I put not only myself in a compromising situation, but I dragged someone else there with me.

I believe that the friendship that person and I had was completely God orchestrated. There's no doubt in my mind. He taught me more about my worth in a summer than anyone has in my entire life. He loved me like no other and exemplifies the love of Christ on a daily basis. He took the time to get to know me, even the junky parts, and chose to love me anyway. We had the purest, most intimate friendship I have seen to date. And it was a *beautiful* example of what love really is. For that, I can never repay him.

Unfortunately it was only meant to be a friendship...

And that is a hard, hard pill to swallow.

But maybe it wasn't so unfortunate...

More than anything, I wish I would have listened in the beginning. The worst part has been losing the incredible friendship. The one that flowed with Christ's love and the ease of siblings. I don't even care about romance anymore. That's obviously not in God's plan for me at this point in life. If I would have accepted that in the beginning, our friendship would still be as lovely as it was before.

And with that, on this side of my heart, I've learned a hard, hard lesson. One that will permeate my thoughts on a daily basis for years to come. Though the pain is still there, so is the incredible peace of God and the knowledge that I did exactly what I was supposed to do. 

I pray that I didn't harm him too much. I pray that he will cling to God and go deeper with Him than he EVER has before. I pray that his future wife will be the most *incredible* woman he could have ever imagined and that she will know the man she married loves her with a heart as pure and radiant as gold and as faithful as the sun is to the moon. I pray the best for him and that he will know he is a man, a good man, adequate and capable in every way. 

And Sometimes... Sometimes It's Just Something You Have to Do.

I'm about to do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. 

I don't want to do it. 

I don't want to do it because I know it's going to hurt someone.

I think that's why I took so long before I did it...

Except for, I probably just hurt them way more than I would have originally hurt them.

FAIL. 

Obviously, on my part.

And as I'm sitting here in the moments before doing this deed, I'm thinking of all the things I'm going to miss, about how my own fears and insecurities have fueled me, about how I just want to be with Jesus.

I know that Jesus is big enough to catch us. 

I know that nothing is bigger than Him.

And I know that the person I'm going to inevitably cause pain did NOT see it coming...

I also know that in the long run, this is the best decision for both of us.

I'm so SO thankful that God forgets the past, that the past is wiped away because the blood of Jesus cleanses. I don't deserve the mercies I am constantly given; yet, God chooses to give them anyway. When He looks at me, He sees Jesus. And that is awesome. It's more than enough to bring me to my knees.

DEEP BREATH.

I can do this.

Somehow. 

Jesus, give me words to speak.

Catch my dear friend; they're going to need you a little more than normal very shortly.

And I know I've shed thousands of tears today.

Thank you for being my strength, oh God.

With ALL the love You've given me to give~

The Resistance, The Fear, The Greatness

There is something that holds each one of us back.

For most of us, it's many things. 

And usually, the things we feel the most resistance toward are the things that will, in the end, advance our souls further, take us to the places we were always meant to go.

What is it that we're so afraid of finding, anyway? 

I think we're most afraid of seeing that we can accomplish something huge, something way beyond ourselves.

All our lives, we are filled with lies from those around us.

These lies can be direct, such as, "You're never going to able to write that novel, serve those people well, impact the world..." 

Or these lies can be indirect, such as believing that we are supposed to live confined to the lifestyle/progression box that our society has carefully crafted for us to fit in. 

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We know of people who do great things. 

Humanitarians, poets, speakers, athletes, performers, Nobel Peace Prize winners...

But we have yet to yield to the possibility of a greatness rising up in our midst, from our very self. 

We deny, upfront, the possibility of anything great rising from within.

Why? 

Because we're scared.

Scared of piercing the perception we've grown accustomed to our whole lives... even if that perception is completely false.

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Well, I have something to tell you.

You can accomplish great things.

You have the power to do something bigger than you could ever imagine.

You have a choice: to listen to the lies you've been told your whole life or to listen to that still, small voice within that tells you, you were made for something so much more; you were made with a purpose in mind; you have a destiny, if you so choose to embrace it.

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Today, I am choosing to heed to the still, small voice that has been trying to speak to me for so long.

I've been running from really hearing it.

Why?

Because I've been afraid.

Afraid of what it might mean to really be made for something bigger than myself.

Afraid that, me, a nobody, a person with very little power and with all too obvious flaws could do something incredible. 

God, I'm ready to listen.

Let's do those great things You've always wanted to do.

Nine Loves (Not to be Confused with the Number of Lives a Cat Has)

I try to refrain from using the word "love" unless I'm actually talking about something I love, like God or people. Saying "I love tots and iPods and God," kind of cheapens the word for me. 

So, for the sake of this post, I'm going to assume that the interpretation for "love" here is an extreme liking for.

In which case, this may be more accurately called "Nine Likes".

(Though, for sake of not wanting to remove the pre-written list in my last post, the title will remain "Nine Loves.")

Moving on...

1. Snow. It's currently snowing, and even though it's probably the sixth time we've had snow this month, I haven't gotten tired of it. It's just so pretty, and it's almost magical. The way it glows at night. The world has to stop for it. And something about it makes you feel like a child. It blankets the earth with a visible peace.

2. A good drink. No, not anything alcoholic. I mean really good coffee or chai or peppermint tea or a blended drink or a smoothie. I'm pretty sure I could live on good drinks if they were always provided. Current favorites: hot coffee -soy peppermint white mocha latte, cold coffee - nonfat mocha, tea - chai or peppermint, blended - soy chai, soy green tea latte, nonfat peppermint mocha or hot chocolate

3. Street music. I love walking downtown somewhere (anywhere) and having live musicians litter the streets. Often, the best people are the ones "undiscovered". 

4. Being in the middle of nowhere. Not all the time (because I do enjoy large cities). But I love being able to get away from the world, and I love knowing that I'm untouchable from the outside world for just a little bit.

5. Art. In pretty much every from. I like doing it; I like watching it. I like seeing people's unique ways of taking ordinary things and making them beautiful. 

6. Perspective. I like seeing things in many ways. I like to gain new perspectives, and learn about different views on life. I like to understand them (at least as much as I can without being in them). 

7. Google. Truly, I go to Google for many of life's most [unimportant] questions. We have a great working relationship.

8. Spinning and swinging. There's something wonderful about doing something that seems almost dangerous but is perfectly safe. Like a free fall you're caught in. It's so carefree. 

9. A good workout. I like feeling like I really gave my all, like I can't give anymore, like I just did some MAJOR work.

10. Being bare. Not as in naked (though, there will come a day for that), as in completely who I am, flaws and all, and being totally okay with it. I like finally having someone to be like this with, who trusts me enough to be the same, and who works with me to find new ways of going deeper.

Ten Secrects

In an attempt to implement the discipline of blogging back into my life, I'm going to do something one of my friends has been doing lately. It's simple, fun, and expository.

Today is ten secrets. While I don't really keep "secrets", there are definitely things about me that few people know. 

1. I don't take medicine. It's something I've been convicted about  for quite a while. The last time I took any was September of 2009. I won't even take vitamins. It's one of those things few quite understand, but that's okay.

2. When I was little, I was super OCD. I had to do certain things in even numbers (like taking steps, touching things a certain amount of times with each hand). I don't think I've ever actually told anyone about this; this really is/was a secret!

3. I like to make things look pretty. I think that's the girl in me, though. It's why I love whipped cream so much. 

4. I miss playing tennis. I really would like to play again, but I wasn't ever that great at it.... which means that now, I'm probably awful. Which is fine... if someone else wouldn't mind playing with me despite my awfulness. But that's tough to find.

5. I would like to cook more. I really like doing it, and I like making things that are a little out there. I just get the opportunity very often. 

6. Commercials about donating to feed animals really irk me (especially the ones heavily laced with emotion). There are starving CHILDREN in the world, and you want me to donate to your stray animal rescue?! No thank you. 

7. While I appreciate a little bit of alone time, I don't really dig being alone. It doesn't freak me out or anything; I just genuinely like being with people - just not huge groups at once. Smallish groups are good; I thrive one on one (and occasionally one on two).

8. My biggest goal in life is to love well with the love of Christ. If that's all I ever accomplish, I will be a successful human being.

9. If I was always able to get good smoothies and coffee drinks cheaply, I would drink my diet. Yum!

10. I can't wear socks to sleep in, even if it's super cold. I won't make it through the night with them on. And even if they're really thin, something about them seems almost constricting to my feet.

Wanderlust

I need to get better at actually posting what I write...

Anyway.

I really want to go somewhere.

No, not to the grocery store, not to the park, not to work or school or church.

SOMEWHERE.

Somewhere not here. Somewhere far away.

I want to go overlanding from Cape Town to Cairo, ride a camel through the Middle East, roam the villages of India, eat gelato in Italy, take the stairs to the top of the Eiffel Tower (... maybe I would rethink the stairs thing by the 18th story), have a camp out down under, stay in a Scottish castle, walk the white beaches of the Virgin Islands, zip-line through the Amazon, stay in a hut in Panama, hang glide in the Alps, cruise to the Antarctic, learn to belly dance in Turkey, go hot air ballooning in Egypt, learn to surf in Fiji, go to a luau and hula in Hawaii, go on a real safari, catch a salmon in Alaska, snorkel by the reef, go deep sea fishing in Maine. 

I want to explore, to aid the inner wanderlust.

Overall, despite kind of wanting to explore places, I've been relatively content being here. But the last few days I've been searching through websites for mission trips and reading overlanding catalogs online.

I have been bitten by the bug.

The travel bug.

The only issue is the cost factor... 

One day, I will go.

Hopefully, that day will be soon.

Pursue Me

Yes, it's been a while since I've actually posted anything. 

I have about eight unfinished posts sitting in my dashboard, and lately, my journal has been like my best friend.

My mind has been in a lot of confusion the past couple of weeks.

Confusion is a curse. So I told it to leave.

I've been learning a lot about what God has already given those who believe in Christ and how much we tend to mix the God of the old covenant and the new covenant. 

(Thank you Andrew Wommack.)

In the midst of my confused mind I found a fear that I have all too long been acquainted with: the fear to admit things to myself that I just don't want to admit. 

Because admitting those things makes them real.

And whether or not those thoughts are from me or not, there is a reason they are thought. 

And knowing the root of the thought is important.

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Like I said, lately, my journal has been like my best friend. Because for the first time, I'm actually admitting all of my thoughts in my journal instead of burying them in my mind. 

When I journal, I write directly to God. So, I'm also admitting my thoughts to Him. And myself.

Something I've never fully admitted until the last day or so is that I am ALWAYS the pursuer in my male relationships. ALWAYS. And ever since I was five, I've had a male focus. Yes, even as an intern, the one year I was supposed to not, I did. I rationalized it out in my mind, even when I felt God telling me to stop talking to him. I didn't want to. Instead, my mind somehow created some logic that went in the complete opposite direction of the direction God was leading me... and I did it in His name (which is sickening to think about). 

So, when my best friend was about to move a thousand miles away, you bet I didn't want to lose him. And I let myself go to a place with him I had never been: a romantic sort of place.

And I truly didn't feel like I was in the wrong.

Our relationship began, not because he asked me, but because I told him how I felt, and he responded.

HELLO: red flag.

It's supposed to be the opposite way.

But this way, I was in control, even subtly.

Which meant I was also the one leading (the starting point is important).

Things were fine for a little while. But then it started to feel off. And my mind started to think things I didn't want it to, that I didn't want to admit to myself. And when God started saying something to me, I didn't want to listen... because it meant giving up something I did NOT want to give up. 

So I felt confused. Because I was running from what God was telling me, running from my thoughts, and trying think of some other reason for me hearing what I heard - like I was hearing it from myself and not God. 

But this time, I couldn't ignore it. I knew it was God. And ignoring it hurt too much.

So, I had to end it.

My disobedience the first time made it harder the second.

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I need to be the one pursued. One million percent.

And that means being pursued by God and God alone first.

Because even with God I tend to be the pursuer,  to try and make my own calling work. But I can do nothing apart from Him; so what makes me think I can pursue Him?

My place is to simply rest in Him. He is the one who is supposed to pursue me.

So, from this moment on, I am making the conscious decision to be pursued and not to pursue.

This first means God.

And if God decides to tell someone to pursue me in a year or two, I'll be open to it, but not if I'm the one pursuing the relationship; it will have to be all him. I can't be the one in control; I can't be the pursuer.

Wow, what a tough lesson. 

But what a valuable one.

Here's to my lack of pursuit!