Just Be.

Just be.

I feel like this has been the biggest lesson I've been learning over the past year.

Sure, there have been many, MANY other lessons over the year, but I absolutely think learning to just be has been the overarching theme, the one thing everything else is woven into.

It always amazes me how hard it is to simply be.

How much easier it is to have tons of things to strive for. 

How we think striving for many things is the answer, the definition of success.

How we think loving someone well couldn't possibly be enough. 

Even though Jesus explicitly said that the greatest commandment was to love God and to love your neighbor as yourself. And ALL other commandments hinge on that.

Not some.

Not most. 

All.

Every last commandment.

Every bit of what was considered so sacred.

It all works itself out.

It all boils down to love.

It's when we finally catch a glimpse of just how loved we are that we can just be.

When we realize how loved we are, we're able to let go, to let God do our contending for us.

To trust that he won't take us anywhere that isn't good for us.

When we know we are loved, we are able to love. 

And when we love those around us, we start to let go of ourselves.

We start caring less about what we want, what we "need".

And more about making sure that others know they are dearly loved, that we've got their back, .

Learning to just be, to simply love and simply live, to let go of my expectations, my security, my limited vantage points, my plans, my interpretation, my time table, to let go of me...

It's not easy.

But I won't stop.

Because losing myself means finding You.

And the less I hold onto, the more free I am.

I can literally feel myself changing.

I'm finally letting go.

If you want it 

Come and get it

Cause this love he has given you

Was never in doubt

Let go of your heart

Let go of your head

Just feel Him now

Cause I love, I love

I love your presence

Cause I love, I love

I love you,

Jesus

Only a Foreigner

Ruth fell at his feet and thanked him kindly. "What have I done to deserve such kindness?" she asked. "I am only a foreigner."

{Ruth 2:10}

I feel like this.

A lot.

Especially today.

And how does Boaz respond to Ruth? "Yes. I know." 

Then, he continues right along. He knows she's a foreigner. It's a big deal to her (and most other people in her time period). It would be like me visiting Greece and the president throwing me the greatest party he could, lavishing gifts upon me... crazy, right? But it doesn't seem to be a big deal to Boaz. He loves her anyway. He treats her as if she's been a citizen all her life. 

I know I'm no longer a foreigner to God, but some days I still have that mentality... like wow, you would really show me that much kindness, that much love? Even though I'm a foreigner? 

Incredible.

::TeCHNiCoLoR::

Wow.

It's incredible what clarity can do for you.

How a different perspective can turn your gray-scale world technicolor.

I just had a much needed conversation

And something I was reminded of from the actual conversation itself (not even the words that were spoken) was how stupid easy it is to think things that aren't the least bit true... all because of not simply asking to hear the truth. It's not even that we aren't able to hear; it's that we haven't grown the cojones to ask to hear.

How much heartache could be saved if we asked?

I imagine know there have been people who've suffered for years (YEARS!) because they never asked.

I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to be in that boat.

I also don't want to facilitate that for anyone else. 

I hope that the next time I start thinking something that seems the least bit shady, I ask.

I hope the next time I notice someone's body language change, how they start to semi-shut down, I ask.

Don't be afraid to ask.

Not only could you be saving yourself from unnecessary heartache, you could be saving someone else from the same thing.

Now, what the conversation was filled with?

Details aren't necessary.

But it's certainly the proof of deeply rooted love, not the negation of it.

And it honestly wouldn't surprise me if I never loved another again.

But that's a story for another day...

For some reason, I've been thinking about marriage the last few days.

(I know. Shocking.)

But in a different way than I've ever thought about it before.

Maybe Paul was onto something...

In First Corinthians 7, Paul advises those who are single to stay single, unless of course they are unable to control their sexual urges. He says that if you are married, it's good, but if you are single, it's even better.

Now, let's be honest here, it would take a major act of God for me to control my sexual urges for my entire life.
But I think I can finally see where Paul was coming from.
I see more marriages that hinder the people involved than ones that enable the people involved.
And I don't at all want that.
I would rather stay single for my whole life than marry someone who would hold me back for being who I'm supposed to be.
(Ummm.. did I just admit that?)

Which is why I'm totally content in waiting longer than I wanted for whoever it ends up being.
(Yeah, Paul didn't quite talk me out of being married.)

I want us to enable each other to accomplish more than we would have alone.
I want us to be a real picture of how Christ loves the church [Ephesians 5].

Something Jesus says kind of makes me wonder why we put so much focus into something that doesn't last through this life.
Jesus replied, "Your mistake is that you don't know the scripture, and you don't know the power of God. For when the dead rise, they will neither marry nor be given in marriage. In this respect they will be like angels in heaven.." [Matthew 22:29-30]

But then again, we put a lot of emphasis on a lot of things that don't ever make it past this life.
And I think marriage is more that someone comes along who just fits with you, who enables you to be a better you, who encourages you, who is willing to go to the depths with you, and who helps bring you closer to Love.
Oh, and you do the same for them.

I'm also only twenty, so...

Thankful Thursday

So...

I've officially been accepted into nursing school for the 2012 school year.

SCORE.

This year I'll be taking every single class that will transfer, which is almost a full academic year (minus a class). 

I'm pretty excited. I literally got the letter last night and went and paid my deposit this morning.

But I think more than anything, I'm relieved and super thankful.

Yes, this means the next four years of my life will be spent in school.

Yes, this means I will have to live in Indiana during this time.

But it also means that in roughly four years, I will be taking the NCLEX.

I will then be able to work as a nurse, gain a few years of experience, work on becoming a practitioner, and start taking my skills overseas.

I can think of no better skill to have to offer those in need overseas. Millions are literally dying of easily preventable diseases. And I can't think of a more tangible expression of Christ's love than that of physical mending. 

As a nurse, I will have intimate access into the lives of many who are facing some of the most difficult, trying times of their lives. I will have the opportunity to offer them love and acceptance they've never known.

As much as I've tried fighting formal education the last couple of years, I know that this will be an incredible occupation and by-far the best use of my God-given abilities.

Despite all the hard work ahead, I'm very much looking forward to it.

And I'm super thankful that I got accepted into a small, hands-on school that is revered for its excellence.

Control

I wonder how much time the disciples actually had to themselves.

Did they read? 

Did they journal? 

Did they devote time and attention to bettering themselves?

Or did they just simply love and simply live?

I think most of the time, they were simply with the people they were with.

They served those around them.

They didn't worry about being the most studied, the best politician, the most admired.

They just were.

Don't worry.

I'm not about to abandon ship and forget my education is important to obtain, especially because it's one of those things that will better countless around me.

But I can definitely lay off the comparing thoughts, the ones that say I'm not doing as much as those around me to fill my mind with crazy amounts of knowledge.

I would so much rather be out loving people than cooped up in my house reading a book a day.

Besides, I'm pretty sure hoarding knowledge in my mind and never using it is a bit on the hypocritical side.

Today, I'm reminded there were scars before my scars.

And I'm letting a little bit more go.

Reminding myself  just be.

:)

For the first time in a long time, I feel really good. 

Like REALLY good.

Complete. Whole. Healed.

(Well. Aside from recovering from the great strep throat incident of May.- It's mending quite well.)

I'm continually amazed at just how much God loves me.

It's obvious that I have issues and always will, but it's also completely obvious that I am dearly loved and cared about, at least by God. 

-------------------------------------------------------

The last few months have entailed of me breaking my own heart, losing a best friend, freaking out about school, growing slightly apathetic (just long enough to be disgusted by it), slowly processing loss of said friend, freaking out about school again, continuing to process loss of said friend, and finally being okay with where I am with it all.
(Not that I think you can or should just get over a person, but being okay with changes in a relationship and being willing to implement those and occasionally move on is good.)

It's been an interesting journey.

Talking with a dear friend tonight helped me put some things into perspective, helped remind me of what happens when community actually happens.

Having another friend bring me sorbet and gelato for my throat and hang out with me despite my infectiousness helped remind me that there are still people who totally care.

I realize this may be jumbled, but that's what happens when you write a blog post at two in the morning after not sleeping well for a few days and being decently sick.

I think I'm still going to post it.

Mainly because I feel like I've hit a milestone, which is important to record.

It may not seem like much to most people, and it may not be that interesting to read this poorly constructed blog entry, but it's exciting for me to be able to say that and to genuinely feel that way.

Okay. Off to slumber land.

Last night as I was drifting off to slumber land, I was talking to God, and I remember thinking, "I feel like I'm forgotten, and I don't really feel loved right now, at least by people, but I'm so, so thankful that you always remember me." 

And just to prove me wrong, I wake up a few hours later to a text that literally says, "You are not forgotten, and you are still loved." 

This morning, there was also an, "I love you" posted on my wall from the same time frame.

Yeah, God is pretty stinkin' cool.

I think know I forget sometimes.

It's pretty easy to find myself distracted.

My mind races a million miles a minute.

But today I'm going to do my best to simply be.

I'm sure there's more going on in my little mind, but I'll save that for another time.

Go out an enjoy the beauty that is today.

Sticky Note to Myself

Why is it so hard for us as humans to focus on today?

Or maybe it's just me.

I'll admit it.

Sometimes it's hard to focus on the moment.

Now, there are certainly times when it's appropriate to gaze upon the future.

There are times when God tells us things he wants to accomplish through us.

But when we focus on that instead of on the moment and place he has us in right now, we inevitably miss out on what he's got for us and through us.

We miss out on the things in the moment that we should be catching.

And I know I'm sadly guilty of this.

Too often.

So this is a little reminder to myself to slow down and focus on today.

For today has enough worries of its own.

And God has my back.

He's got today and tomorrow down already.

I don't have to try so hard to be me.

Confessions (Where's Usher When You Need Him?)

I know I just wrote about how I actually like being a girl and all that jazz.

And it's true, I do, but sometimes, some things are more difficult because I am a girl.

Like letting feelings go.

Like trying to forget about someone you miss. 

Like trying to not love someone in the same capacity you once did.

I just don't understand why I still miss you this much, especially when I know you don't think of me.

I know I did the right thing.

I know I needed this season in my life.

Doing what I did rooted my biggest issue, the one thing I didn't fully place before God.

Which is good.

But why is it that lately, I've been missing you?

I guess I just miss my best {human} friend.

But I don't want to miss you like this anymore, not if you never think of me, too.

Not if I'm not special to you anymore.

Why is it that I do?

And these are my confessions.

I'm a Girl?

Over the past couple of years, I've begun to appreciate the fact that I'm a girl. 

I know that probably sounds silly, but up until well into my first year at Teen Mania, I didn't like being a girl. 

I shirked all things girly. 

I wouldn't use a purse; I wouldn't wear dresses.

I would purposely un-identify with girls.

I did/believed this because the major example of what a woman is supposed to be in my life failed.

Instead of seeing a priceless gift, I saw a treasure better suited for the junk yard.

(Disclaimer, I believe ever human is incredibly valuable and deserves to be treated as such, without condition.) 

I saw women as flighty, fickle, manipulative, liars, gossips, incredibly selfish, skanky, unrealistic...

And while there is a bit of truth to a few of these (come on, we're human, we're all a bit fickle, flighty, unrealistic, incredibly selfish),  they certainly should not be applied across the board. 

While at Teen Mania (no, this is not a plug for them, though I do appreciate who I became while I was there), 

I was exposed to all types of women, lots of them, and I was required to room with them - five to be exact.

And you know what the funny thing was?

None of them seemed to resemble the woman I based my view of women on.

Not one.

Sure, they had their flaws, but overall, these women were stunning, and they were revered as such.

They brought life to the world around them.

They enjoyed being who they were.

They were confident.

By the time my first year was halfway over, I started to come to terms with myself and found that it might actually be okay to like this girly stuff, to act like a girl, and to be confident in doing so.

I started to like wearing dresses and to love spending time with the women in my life.

And I learned that feeling things wasn't bad, that wanting things girls want was okay; it didn't make me absurd, stupid, or worthless. It made me a girl.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.