Through The Plexiglass

Depth.

I crave it.

Intimacy.

I long for it.

But almost always, I seem to push it away.

I don't mean to. I don't think I try to.

But inevitably, I do.

It's like I reach a certain point and can't get past it. I can't ever see where that point is before I reach it; though, it's always in the same general location.

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I read something, earlier, that went like this: "Pay attention to your earliest memories. The reason you remember them is because they were probably accompanied by strong emotion. At the point when your heart was wide open, something happened, and from a child's perspective, a message was imprinted on your soul that you probably still live by today."

Whoa.

If that's really the case... well, there are things I remember from very early on, and they are not pretty. God has completely healed me from my past wounds. However, I still have to relearn things that I realize I'm doing that aren't so healthy for me.

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In general, this plexiglass wall that exists is only with women. I don't have much issue trusting a man, but a woman... well, it takes a lot of time. I don't mind being open with them, but openness and the depth associated with vulnerability are completely different.

My female friendships have come a LONG way in the last two years; there are even a couple who have somehow made there way a bit past the plexiglass; however, I find that I have to really work at keeping them there, and that sometimes, I close them out and feel like I can't tell them things, resulting in me knowing all about them and me feeling unknown, without connection. It's kind of a viscous cycle, once it gets going.

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All this to say: I don't want to just get past the plexiglass; I want to take a sledgehammer to it. And when I'm done with the sledgehammer, I want to dig up the molding that kept it in place, sweep it up, and dispose of it.

I'm DONE with the plexiglass.

This may take a little more time than I would prefer, as it generally does, and I'll have to work at it daily, but it's worth it. It's worth it to get past myself and love people better.

"And I choose to believe, as I carry this cross, You'll carry me."