Circles of Life (This Ain't the Lion King)

I hate that I find myself in this trap every couple of months.

That one that says I need to have it all figured out right now, that I need to know what I'm doing with my life instead of focusing on the moment I'm in.

The worst part is that I never see it coming.

The second worst part is that it generally takes a little while for me to see that I got caught again.

Then I start thinking about all the things I'm doing and not doing. All the things I "should" be doing or want to be doing but am not. It's just not a good cycle. At all. 

I can't focus.

I get my mind thinking in circles.

I trip myself with my own cables. 

And fall down.

HARD.

As you can imagine, getting back up is rather difficult.

But today is the day I get back up. 

Again.

And I'll probably fall again.

Because I am undoubtedly human.

But I will get back up.

God's still got my back.

He's got all of me.

I am one very loved girl.

Hmmm...

At present moment, I kind of wonder what the heck it is I'm doing. 

Really.

I'm taking classes so I can apply to nursing school for the class starting in fall 2012. 

But is it really what I want to/should do?

Or is it just something I'm doing because I always thought I would do it, because it presents the facade of being "secure"? (I'm not entirely naive, nothing is really secure.)

I've told a few people, but if I could do anything without thinking about limitations, I would be a singer/songwriter (or their assistant or something to that extent) who got to travel a good portion of the year, playing a different city every week, traveling a few days a week, and loving people in the communities we're visiting a few days a week.

Basically, I feel the need to be doing something creative. 

Conversely, I feel the need to be doing something that deeply affects the small group of people I'm able to have contact with. And sometimes I even feel like it shouldn't just be a small group of people. 

But I can do something creative in my spare time, I suppose...

It would help if I could properly identify my giftings, those things I'm just naturally good at.

I can throw myself into practically anything and make it happen if need be.

God, can You just send me a husband with a vision I connect really well with? Soon? Then I can back him in whatever he's doing. I can back vision. But when it comes to having my own... I just know I'm supposed to love the people around me, and try to listen to and do whatever God asks me to. Beyond that, there are snippets of time when my heart really comes alive. And I don't know if I'm supposed to attempt to capitalize on those moments or not (it's hard to pinpoint exactly what they are sometimes). 

I don't want the American dream. I don't care about making a lot of money. All I need is enough. 

I know God will take care of me, somehow.

But right now, I don't really know what I'm doing.

From Someone Who Once Thought They Had it All Together

Many, many times,

 in a land not so far away, 

there was a girl who thought she had it all together. 

Despite several indirect attempts from the world around her, 

she never quite heard that those thoughts weren't really true... 

at all.

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I should warn the two people who might actually read this, my biggest issue in writing has always been thesis. This post is probably going to have a thesis issue.

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There's just something about being a young adult that makes you feel like you can conquer the world, that nothing can stop you, that you have it all together, all figured out, that your ideas and views are the right ones. 

It's a special bread of arrogance reserved particularly for the ~17 to 25 crew. 

Most people realize their humanness after a few bouts with the real world, and their arrogance begins to tarry. For others, it takes a larger, harder blow to the stomach that sends them sailing to the ground. 

But eventually, the majority of us start to understand that we totally don't have it figured out.

It's been scientifically proven that the logic part of our brain doesn't fully develop until around age 20 to 23. 

I kind of shrugged this off for a long time, acknowledging it but not really believing it applied to me. A lot of norms legitimately don't apply to me, so why should this one? 

But over the last few months, I've been very assured that this does apply to me (along with several of the other normalcies of life).

It's like I can feel my mind changing. My once chaotically messy, overwhelming thoughts are becoming much clearer. I'm starting to see things differently, almost more completely. And instead of overwhelming me, my thoughts guide me to what is actually going on in this space I call my head. 

A couple of these thoughts:

I am a terrible friend. Say what you want. I won't refute you, but I also probably won't agree with you.

Because it's true.

Sure, I listen well. I'm there when I'm needed. I offer what wisdom God has so graciously given me. I take care of any need I am able to, usually without being asked and without the need being expressed. I don't take offense. I assume the best in people. But that doesn't make me a good friend. 

It makes me a good servant, a good caregiver. A trustworthy pillar. A source of calm. A keeper of confidences and a lover of the unlovable.

But all of this still doesn't make me a good friend.

Friendship is built on mutual disclosure, mutual support, mutual confidence.

All of which I majorly fail at.

The reasons I have for not disclosing are all my own, but most of them begin with fear and end with unworthiness-both of which are lies. Only in this recent time of admitting this to myself at the core of who I am  have I been able to root some of these faults. But it's still going to take a bit; roots of an old tree are hard to redirect. At least I am now able to go in knowing this, purposely disclosing things upfront.

It's definitely a process.

Second thought: 

Fear of failure.

Apparently, it still exists. 

Yeah, yeah. Call me naive for not seeing it in myself.

I know, KNOW, that I am supposed to be using all things artsy to express the things God has gifted to me to gift to the world. This includes (but is not limited to): writing (prose, poetry, lyrics), painting, drawing, singing, cooking, baking, pottery, sewing, you name it. 

But what has been keeping me from doing it?

Fear.

Fear of failing at it.

It's absurd to think I can fail at something like that. It's sad to think I'm afraid of people seeing what I create for fear they won't think it's good enough. 

I finally got brave enough to paint something I envisioned months ago (literally, the day I envisioned it I immediately went and bought the paint, canvas, and new brushes, and the stuff sat in my room for months untouched because I was scared I would mess up). 

When all was said and done, I created something way better than I expected. It's not Michaelangelo by any means, and it probably wouldn't win me any award, but it left me in awe and caused me to turn to God (which is always a good thing).

Painting this one painting has helped me conquer some of my fear.

Writing songs with and for someone else, singing in my semi-okay voice and playing not-so-skilled guitar in front of them while crafting and versing words is helping me conquer it a whole lot more. 

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I find that I'm on clearly-marked, well-worn, hidden trail in the woods of my heart.

One that's been waiting for my feet long before I was able to walk.

Here's to a nice, long stroll, briers, thorns, and sunflowers included.