My heart has faced some hard realities, as of late.
Doing the deed I did the other night was far more difficult than anything I could have prepared for. It's something that doesn't and can't have a script.
It's been difficult to not feel guilty about it because I know that blame falls purely on my shoulders. If I would have just listened to that still, small voice the first, second, eighth, eleventh, twentieth time I heard it, a lot of pain would have been avoided.
But instead, I chose to listen to the lies.
The ones that said this was my only shot at intimacy, even if it wasn't right.
So, I ignored the voice.
I pretended it didn't speak, that the voice I heard wasn't really saying what it was saying.
Because I wanted it so SO badly...
And as a result, my days over the past six months became progressively more confusing and restless.
The worst part is that I pulled out of the depths of God. I only went in so deep because I was afraid He was going to say what I initially heard Him say, and I knew I couldn't ignore Him forever...
There was one point that I admitted to hearing that voice.
But it lasted all of a week, and then I gave in again.
Because I didn't want it to be true.
And I don't think the other party did either.
It finally got to the point where something had to give.
After months of not really responding to the calls from God to go deeper, my soul was thirsty, and I was slowly starting to delve into Him again. Though I desperately wanted to, of course we couldn't bypass this. The issue wasn't just some decision, it was a matter of the heart. And all we have to do is go read Jesus' words to know that all He really cares about is our hearts.
After days of prayer, pondering, and fighting with myself, I knew what I needed to do.
It was what I should have done all along.
I had to give God my greatest desire; I had to give Him the reigns... even though giving up control is the hardest thing in the world to do.
It was dirty. It was painful. It IS painful...
I feel like I've finally handed over my last stronghold.
My greatest earthly desire is to be known and loved, deeply-flaws and all.
And I don't think that desire in and of itself is necessary wrong.
But it is wrong when I want it so badly that I shut God out, and I put not only myself in a compromising situation, but I dragged someone else there with me.
I believe that the friendship that person and I had was completely God orchestrated. There's no doubt in my mind. He taught me more about my worth in a summer than anyone has in my entire life. He loved me like no other and exemplifies the love of Christ on a daily basis. He took the time to get to know me, even the junky parts, and chose to love me anyway. We had the purest, most intimate friendship I have seen to date. And it was a *beautiful* example of what love really is. For that, I can never repay him.
Unfortunately it was only meant to be a friendship...
And that is a hard, hard pill to swallow.
But maybe it wasn't so unfortunate...
More than anything, I wish I would have listened in the beginning. The worst part has been losing the incredible friendship. The one that flowed with Christ's love and the ease of siblings. I don't even care about romance anymore. That's obviously not in God's plan for me at this point in life. If I would have accepted that in the beginning, our friendship would still be as lovely as it was before.
And with that, on this side of my heart, I've learned a hard, hard lesson. One that will permeate my thoughts on a daily basis for years to come. Though the pain is still there, so is the incredible peace of God and the knowledge that I did exactly what I was supposed to do.
I pray that I didn't harm him too much. I pray that he will cling to God and go deeper with Him than he EVER has before. I pray that his future wife will be the most *incredible* woman he could have ever imagined and that she will know the man she married loves her with a heart as pure and radiant as gold and as faithful as the sun is to the moon. I pray the best for him and that he will know he is a man, a good man, adequate and capable in every way.
