Good or Bad?

I just woke up not too long ago (hey, I'm a college student with a part time job, I can sleep until 8:15....). I woke up to a text message from someone who was having a less than amusing beginning to their day. I expected the end of it to wrap up in a question for prayer for a "better day". But it didn't. Instead, it read, "yet, I'm strangely at peace."

Hmmm.

My initial thought was to pray that their day would get "better", but what the heck does that really mean?

My quick following second thought (which, admittedly, should be my first thought) was to pray that their reaction to the circumstances of their day would show the love of Christ to those around them, which is exactly what I did pray for.

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This brought me back to a thought I had a while back: what do we mean by asking if something is "good" or not? Do we mean to ask if it's pleasing and honoring to God, or do we really mean to ask if it's comfortable, easy, and pleasing for us?

Because really, I don't want my comfort to own me. And my feelings surely should not be the dictator of my day.

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Ephesians 5:9 says, "For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true."

This light within you.

Which means that the goodness comes from the light.

The light being Jesus. {John 8:12}

And, goodness is listed as a fruit of the spirit. {Galatians 5:22-23}

Merriam-Webster defines "good" in many ways: favorable, suitable, bountiful, attractive, pleasing, advantageous, virtuous, commendable, well-behaved, honorable, kind, benevolent, adequate, of the highest reliability.

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Now that we've talked about the good, what about the bad?

Merriam-Webster's first definition for "bad" is: failing to meet an acceptable standard.

Hold it right there...

Failing to meet an acceptable standard.

Now the question is, who's standard?

Who am I to say what is "acceptable"?

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And this is where I stop.

I have all-too obvious flaws. I daily peel off layers of soot that settle upon me. Sometimes, I think that soot fogs up the true goodness of each and every day, the goodness that is determined by the only One who has clear enough vision to see the real good.

So, what are you seeing, today?

Fall

Currently, I'm sitting outside on a beautiful, fall day in East Texas.

Yeah, usually it isn't this gorgeous here, even in the fall. Autumn is by far my favorite, but I've kind of missed out the last few years... fall down here is NOTHING like it is up north. But some how, I've stuck it out. Yep, this is the ideal day. Slight breeze, crisp air, sun (though I'm sitting in the shade), approx 65 degrees. Nearly *perfect*.

Too bad it isn't always like this. But somehow, I think if it was, I may just grow used to it, and the awe of it would diminish, which would be quite a sad thing.

For now, I'll just enjoy it while I can.

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On a slightly different note, it's almost October! (Hey, I said slightly...)

Which means, I get to visit someone *very* dear to me. It also means one month closer to moving!

Though I have greatly enjoyed my stay in the state of Texas, my time here is very quickly nearing a close. I'll be moving back to my hometown for just a little bit, saving up some money, and spending time with some special people, then it's off to another destination...

But for now, I'm going to focus on here.

Because it is today that I have been promised.

And tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

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Now, back to fall...

I love how crisp the air is, the leaves changing colors, the cool nights, needing to wear a jacket (and maybe a pair of cute boots ;] ), bonfires, cool starry nights, soups, stews, and crock pot recipes, hot lattes (with fall flavors), hot teas, scented candles, curling up in a fuzzy blanket, cuddling without getting too warm, being able to wear cute socks (hey, it's the little things), fall sunrises and sunsets, no mosquitoes (or fire ants, for all you East Texans)...

Yeah, I'm sure I could go on, but I think you catch my drift.

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Nothing too intense today. I got a bit frustrated earlier, but then I stopped and realized the absolute blessing God gave me when He created today. It's days like this that really speak to my heart.

~selah~

Through The Plexiglass

Depth.

I crave it.

Intimacy.

I long for it.

But almost always, I seem to push it away.

I don't mean to. I don't think I try to.

But inevitably, I do.

It's like I reach a certain point and can't get past it. I can't ever see where that point is before I reach it; though, it's always in the same general location.

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I read something, earlier, that went like this: "Pay attention to your earliest memories. The reason you remember them is because they were probably accompanied by strong emotion. At the point when your heart was wide open, something happened, and from a child's perspective, a message was imprinted on your soul that you probably still live by today."

Whoa.

If that's really the case... well, there are things I remember from very early on, and they are not pretty. God has completely healed me from my past wounds. However, I still have to relearn things that I realize I'm doing that aren't so healthy for me.

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In general, this plexiglass wall that exists is only with women. I don't have much issue trusting a man, but a woman... well, it takes a lot of time. I don't mind being open with them, but openness and the depth associated with vulnerability are completely different.

My female friendships have come a LONG way in the last two years; there are even a couple who have somehow made there way a bit past the plexiglass; however, I find that I have to really work at keeping them there, and that sometimes, I close them out and feel like I can't tell them things, resulting in me knowing all about them and me feeling unknown, without connection. It's kind of a viscous cycle, once it gets going.

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All this to say: I don't want to just get past the plexiglass; I want to take a sledgehammer to it. And when I'm done with the sledgehammer, I want to dig up the molding that kept it in place, sweep it up, and dispose of it.

I'm DONE with the plexiglass.

This may take a little more time than I would prefer, as it generally does, and I'll have to work at it daily, but it's worth it. It's worth it to get past myself and love people better.

"And I choose to believe, as I carry this cross, You'll carry me."

Write or Wrong?

As I was driving to Starbucks this morning (where I am currently writing from), I couldn't help but think about how long it had been since I have consistently written anything. My journaling started to lax - to roughly once ever week or two - when I was living on a tour bus for five months, which is legitimate, or so I choose to believe. But since returning to a more stable (less bus-like) lifestyle, my journaling has almost ceased to exist. Aside from about a handful of occasions, I have't picked up a pen (or a laptop) to jot anything down. And this is bad.

It may not be bad for you, but it is most certainly bad for me.

Because writing is how I process.

I don't mean that I don't comprehend anything if I don't write it down, but if I write it down, it is ingrained in my mind; it means I took the time to, not only ponder it, but also figure out where I stand on it, that I grasp it in such a way as to convey it to others.

Writing is how I speak to myself and let myself know that I am not some tangled, uninterpretable mess.

And {most importantly} writing is how God uses me to speak to the world.

(Or the small part of the world that He blesses me with influence in.)

So, when I'm not writing, whether it be prose or song, not only am I hindering my own self-development, I'm disobeying God, and potentially missing out on opportunities to impact those around me.

Gulp.

And that's a big deal.

So, here's to beginning again. Because for me, to not write is completely wrong. And I don't want my laziness, lack of effort, and stupid excuses to get in the way of something God is doing through me. Not that He needs me, but He is graciously allowing me to be part of His ginormous, incredulous plan.

The Invisible Line

There's an invisible line that exists in a relationship between a man and a woman. It is the line which distinguishes whether the relationship is a friendship or a romance. Depending on the relationship, that line is clearly marked right away. But sometimes, it takes years to define. Inevitably, when you allow yourself to get close to someone of the opposite gender, romantic feelings develop to some capacity, even if they are just fleeting. It gets dangerous when those feelings appear in both parties at the same time, yet neither say a thing about them.

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It's hard to say exactly when I crossed that line with one of my closest friends, but I know it was over a year ago. And I know I wasn't the only one.

The strangest part about it: we didn't do anything that abruptly announced it to the world. But in our minds, in our hearts, we both went there; we both stepped over the line. And instead of saying something about it, we pretended nothing happened, hoping we could just enjoy where we were and that the line would just dissolve, becoming invisible.

Now, in this case, there were stipulations preventing us from saying anything or going any further than we did, but that doesn't change that this has been an incredibly murky pond to wade through without any sort of definition or direction to go off of. It would have been so helpful if one of us would have spoken up as soon as we noticed something, if nothing else just to define our relationship as only a friendship. Because today, today my heart hurts. And even though I feel slightly lead on, I have no one to blame but myself.

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And though there are many questions I would like to ask, I know God's timing is perfect; this just isn't quite His timing for my earthly love story. And even though it hurts some, I'm completely okay with that. Because what He has is incredibly worth the wait and so much more than I could ever imagine.

The Treasure is Worth Seeking

You know of a treasure. But to get there, you must sail to a small, unmapped island at the very center of the Pacific. The waters are dangerous, known to swallow even the largest of vessels in a single gulp. And if you thought getting there was tough, you're in for quite the surprise. To find the treasure, you must journey to the very center of the island, cutting through what seems like miles of thorns, to get to the top of the single, rocky mountain that rests on the island.

Once at the top of the mountain, you must then unearth the gate that opens to a long, winding path through the center of the mountain. The path is dark and populated by moss and vine. At this point, it may seem like turning around is the best option, but you go just a bit farther and see light emerge at the end of the path.

At the sight of the light, you begin to run. It's taken you years, but the moment has finally arrived. You come to the final vine laden doorway, stick out your hand, push the vines aside and step through. You stop, in awe of what you have found. It's the most breathtaking sight you've ever seen; a secret oasis only known by you. You think to yourself, "I'm so glad I didn't stop!"

After a little bit, you finally gain enough composure to explore the treasure you have found. You get to know it, inside and out, every waterfall, every tree limb, every blade of grass and sand, every beautiful detail of the area. And at night, you are able to look up and gaze at the stars. It's been an incredible day, one that you won't be able to forget.

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A hundred years ago, the thought of a voyage across the open seas wet the appetite. Adventure was enchanting; the longing for it, unquenchable...

Now, everything we need, everything we think we could want, is at our fingertips; it's ours for the taking. But is it just about having what we want and need? Is the journey just about the destination? Or is there something to the voyage, the trek for truth, the danger it takes to get there?

Do you think you would have been quite as elated to find your oasis if it was handed to you and you didn't have to work for it? Would it have been as valuable?

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I feel a lot like like that secret oasis, right now; only, I don't feel like anyone is willing to go through all the work to come find me, to get to know me, to find me valuable. I don't feel worthy of uncovering. If only they could see what was beyond the shell of the mountain. And if only I could see what they see.

There's only so much to lose, so far to fall. One day, someone will be courageous enough to come looking for the treasure, to come looking for me, to dive into the depths of who I am. But until that day, I will choose to stand on firm ground, knowing that some One has already set sail. He has captured my heart and I His, with just one glance.