Happiness is the Wrong Goal

It's still the first month of the year, and every year I hear one resolution that I just can't get down with:

Happiness.

Now, before you go calling me a cynic, let me explain...

I'm all about being happy.

Happiness is a good thing and a very legitimate desire.

Some days, I deeply desire to be happy.

But happiness is never my ultimate goal.

Why?

Because it's a feeling.

Quite bluntly, there are moments when life just sucks.

At least once a week I wonder what the heck I'm doing.

In those moments, I generally have no control.

And in those moments, I do not expect happiness to be rampant.

What I do expect is to stand on my principles.

I expect to remain positive while still being realistic.

I expect to think critically and act on fact rather than emotion.

Because acting on facts will ultimately lead to greater satisfaction.

And greater satisfaction will beget more moments of happiness.

All I'm saying here is that if my goal were simply to be happy, I would go around making decisions in this moment about things that I think would make me happy.

But at the end of the day, being with someone or having my dream career will not make me happy if I can't stand firm on my principles now. 

Choosing to seek happiness by doing whatever makes me feel good now will surely lead to ruin later.

This isn't me saying don't do things that make you feel good.

You should absolutely take time out for those things.

But when you're upset with someone, choose to love them anyway.

Don't go running to someone you shouldn't for happiness and affection.

And when the day doesn't go your way, choose to see the good in it.

Don't go running around saying that all you want is to be happy and nothing ever goes your way.

Because happiness simply does not work like that.

It's sadly often not a free gift.

It's something that must be cultivated, wrought from pain, wielded from the darkest of nights, and harnessed to shine from within, not gathered from the world around us.  

To Be...

Alone.
It's how I've spent the majority of my years.
It's a terrible thing to be... except for when it isn't.

Being alone isn't really all that terrible.
In fact, we are required to be alone for nearly everything we ever do.
There may be people around us, even ones who claim and prove they love us, but at the end of the day, it is ourselves we are left to answer to.

I used to believe I loved being alone.
As much as I was repulsed by my loneliness, it was safe.
I knew how to navigate it. I knew that in my loneliness, no one would ever be able to see the terrible things about me. And no one could tell me how repulsive I knew myself to be.
I believed I deserved my loneliness, that I was destined to be alone.
No one could reach in.
And even if I wanted to, I could never permeate the glass that encased me, separating me from the outside.

Then, after a lot of fight, I learned what it meant to not be so alone.
I learned that loving someone, in every single way, was worth the journey, even if it meant getting hurt.
And you know, I've been hurt quite a bit by letting people in.
But I've also been surprised by the kindness that I see.
I've been wrapped in unimaginable love.
I've found solace can be found in people, not just places.
I began to delve into those who allowed me in.

But I think in all that learning to be together business, I forgot some of the importance of simply being alone.
I forgot to guard my heart from those who simply wanted to tolerate me or use me.
I forgot that it's okay, even necessary, to be alone sometimes.
Especially when you're running from it.
And being alone after being together doesn't mean you've lost your luster.

There is a stark contrast in loneliness and being alone.
And keeping someone toxic in your life to simply avoid the loneliness that sometimes accompanies being alone is a terrible idea.
So, as hard as it is, I'm breaking free of that.
Starting now.
Because living a life of "second bests" is and never will be okay.
I am worth more than that, and I hope that you see you are, too.

Throw Me Away

The older I get, the better I am at letting people in, at trying to love them.

But the easier I trick myself into believing they care at a level that transcends time, culture, norms.

I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, but I also need to remember, that at the end of the day, it's not their job to care for me that way.

Today, a friend of mine who I consider to perhaps be the closest, who I've spent at least a day, sometimes multiple days, a week with them and their family, including Thanksgiving and Christmas last year, told me that their mom more or less said I couldn't come to their Thanksgiving gathering this year because "not just anyone" could come.

Not just anyone...

This is the same woman who I've spent nearly every Saturday night, and many other nights with, over the last year and a half, getting to know her and her family, being a part of the silliness, sadness, and seriousness of life. 

And to her, because I'm now no longer a prospect for dating her son (his doing, not mine), I'm somehow just less, even though all year, I'm not less, even though last night, you invited me to dinner, told me to get whatever I wanted, and paid for it.

So what makes me not family? 

My name? My unfortunate blood line? 

Why do holidays equal exclusion instead of inclusion of all the people we claim to love throughout the year? 

I don't know. 

I don't think I understand or that I'll ever be able to. 

But I know that I don't ever want to make someone feel the way I feel right now.

I don't want my life to be "invite only." 

I don't want to make anyone else feel stupid for how they're feeling, kind of like I do now.

After all, we're only human...

Longing

I desperately miss writing. 

I have all these thoughts swirling about and haven't had a ton of time to process them.

Nursing school is no joke, but I feel this insatiable need to write.

So, I'm going to.

I have to. 

It seems so strange that a compulsion as theoretically arrogant and mundane as writing can be a driving force, but it is. 

Hopefully, the words that flow from my fingertips will be ones that hit deep, that both uplift and encourage while presenting challenges. 

I've learned an incredible amount in the almost year and a half since I've used this platform for my creativity, and my heart and mind are blooming with new insights and connections.

Here's to the hope of taking time to process the world and doing so with the eloquence and cohesiveness that can only come through writing.

beautiful.i.am

Why do we search so long?

To be affirmed. To be told something that's already true.

To hear that we're beautiful.

Innately, we are selfish.

We are born believing we're awesome, the most beautiful creatures to grace the planet.

But it doesn't stay that way.

Somewhere between the terrible two's and the tweenage years, we discover something heart wrenching: we're ugly, unlovable, unworthy.

The extent of this thinking depends on how much reinforcement these lies receive.

And how well we're able to throw them out of our minds.

But to some degree, they stick, and the need to eradicate them, to prove them wrong to ourselves, is something we succumb to.

I'll be the first to admit I've done some seriously stupid things in the name of beauty.

In the name of needing to feel loved, cherished, beautiful, wanted, delighted in...

Even though I knew it would be fleeting, at best, I still gave in.

For a long time, I didn't even see what I was doing to myself; or maybe I just didn't care. 

Because in that moment, I was wanted, even though I didn't always feel beautiful.

And I wonder...

How could it have been different?

I know we can't change the past, but we can change the future. 

We can turn our negative thoughts into positive ones.

We can lift up the good in those around us.

We can learn to see the good in ourselves.

And we can begin to see these "flaws" in one another for what they truly are: different ways to be human.

Because your kind word, your simple statement of truth, could be what someone needs to get through today.

And tomorrow.

 And the day after that. 

It could be what forever changes their heart and the way they view, not only themselves, but others.

Are you willing to speak up?

To speak out?

To tell someone they are lovely in every way and let yourself believe it?

Your words, thoughts, and deeds are far more powerful than you know.

Don't underestimate them.

Magic

For the first time in my life, I can wholeheartedly say I'm not focused on any guy.

I'm not chasing any lovers. 

I'm free from the bone-crushing loneliness I once felt almost every night.

And it's amazing.

Yes, I still want a man to love me.

Some day.

But it's not so important that someone loves me as it is that I feel loved.

It's not worth settling to be seated next to man.

I would rather wait a thousand years seated alone than be with a man who isn't good to me.

Real love is always others' minded; it does not seek self over anything or anyone else.

And when two real loves work in conjunction with each other, the result is like magic.

Life is too short to be in a love relationship that isn't like magic. 

Just a Whisper

What is a life? What is death?

Is someone else’s existence really mine to hold?

I have a very different view on life and death than most people I’ve encountered.

Guess what?

Life is fragile.

All the time.

It’s a fragile, priceless gift.

A gift that we’ve been given freely.

We aren’t promised that it will be easy or that it’ll last as long as we think it should.

And when someone passes, we have no control over it.

Instead of being pissed off because I want someone back or I don’t think they had enough time on this earth, I am thankful.

I’m thankful for whatever amount of time I have been given with that person.

Every moment we shared was a gift.

Their life was never mine to hold.

But I’m so thankful I got share even a small piece of it.

Life happens.

Which means death happens.

It’s all just a part of how things work.

Life is but a whisper, a wilting flower fading with the grass.

Listen to the whispers around you.

They’re more valuable than you can imagine.

Poly What?

Sometimes a new facet of love will pop up out of nowhere and surprise me.

When I want to call it wrong, I think about how God actually is.

And I think it really may be something that takes shape in the way he loves.

God's love is for all he knows.

He does not love one more than another; all are equally loved.

He has the capacity to love all. 

There are many, many ways he loves.

His love is found in innumerable shapes in innumerable persons in innumerable places.

I've recently been introduced to someone who is legitimately polyamorous.

Being poly is generally a taboo in this country.

It's associated with Mormons, sex addicts, or people who are more or less unstable.

But what if those people have just figured out how to love more than one person well?

What if their capacity to love is bigger than many others?

As I've gotten to know this person, I've seen that his love is genuinely sincere.

It is not something based solely on sexuality; often times, sexuality is absent or at least an afterthought.

And he's one of the most giving persons I've met; his love is absolutely unselfish.

He is all in in every moment.

So, who am I to call this type of love wrong?

In the Old Testament there were several men with several women. 

In fact, the only time it was ever adulteress was when a women slept with someone other than her husband and only because she was considered property.

Men had as many wives and concubines as they could afford.

They were never punished for having them only for "tainting" another mans property (ie. sleeping with a virgin and not paying the proper dowlry to the father because her value was no longer as high).

But women were not property owners and did not own themselves; therefore, they violated the law by giving something (themselves) away that wasn't theirs to give.

Some of the most honorable and "godly" men had several hundred wives and concubines (ie. David, Solomon).

And nothing is mentioned in the New Testament that voids this type of lifestyle.

It is pure human jealousy that makes this sort of relationship difficult.

I'm not making any sort of statement of my personal preferences in any sort of public way at this time, but as of now, I can't say I view this way of choosing to live and love as a wrong way to do so.

What is the trinity but three persons loving and living as one?

Just some thoughts to chew on.

I know I certainly have been.

And it's been a total mind-blow.

Lately, I've been feeling off.

There are many moments I want to crawl in a hole.

There are many moments I want to run away and never return.

I feel nearly overwhelmed at least at some small point almost every day.

And that's not like me. 

Not anymore, anyway.

And I don't know what to do about it.

It's like I'm constantly doing one thing or another.

There are constantly obstacles to overcome.

I'm spinning in circles.

Even the slow seems fast.

I think sometimes people don't think I struggle.

(Because I'm stable and clam.)

And sometimes, I go along with that fanciful lie.

But I struggle just as much as anyone.

(I just keep it in check a little better than most.)

Especially right now.

Caught between this moment and another.

Waiting for life to spin on it's own but still trying to chase it. 

*sigh*

This moment is hard.

I don't know exactly how to deal.

I just have to keep pushing forward, keep living in this moment.

Somehow, I'll make it through.

Fairytale.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who dreamed of being swept off her feet.

A dashing young gentleman would see what everyone else failed to see and wouldn't be able to contain his feelings for her. 

He would triumph many obstacles in pursuit of her.

And in turn, she would love him because he first loved her. 

Once upon a time, I wanted that.

That's all I wanted. 

But the charming man I perceived as a prince was actually a cleverly disguised pauper. 

And at every chance he had, he took the route that bettered him over all else in the land.

That's when I discovered that all the things I ever wanted, the only dreams I dare dream, were not really the biggest dreams I could dream.

I need space to roam.
I need obstacles to climb.
I need something bigger than myself to live for.
And I will not settle for the smallest dreams I can dream.
That just isn't meant for me.

I'm writing my own fairytale.
Full of crazy turns, bountiful laughter, thousands of tears, millions of footsteps, nights of exhaustion, people from all walks of life, and beauty few ever truly see.
And I am beyond excited.