To Be...

Alone.
It's how I've spent the majority of my years.
It's a terrible thing to be... except for when it isn't.

Being alone isn't really all that terrible.
In fact, we are required to be alone for nearly everything we ever do.
There may be people around us, even ones who claim and prove they love us, but at the end of the day, it is ourselves we are left to answer to.

I used to believe I loved being alone.
As much as I was repulsed by my loneliness, it was safe.
I knew how to navigate it. I knew that in my loneliness, no one would ever be able to see the terrible things about me. And no one could tell me how repulsive I knew myself to be.
I believed I deserved my loneliness, that I was destined to be alone.
No one could reach in.
And even if I wanted to, I could never permeate the glass that encased me, separating me from the outside.

Then, after a lot of fight, I learned what it meant to not be so alone.
I learned that loving someone, in every single way, was worth the journey, even if it meant getting hurt.
And you know, I've been hurt quite a bit by letting people in.
But I've also been surprised by the kindness that I see.
I've been wrapped in unimaginable love.
I've found solace can be found in people, not just places.
I began to delve into those who allowed me in.

But I think in all that learning to be together business, I forgot some of the importance of simply being alone.
I forgot to guard my heart from those who simply wanted to tolerate me or use me.
I forgot that it's okay, even necessary, to be alone sometimes.
Especially when you're running from it.
And being alone after being together doesn't mean you've lost your luster.

There is a stark contrast in loneliness and being alone.
And keeping someone toxic in your life to simply avoid the loneliness that sometimes accompanies being alone is a terrible idea.
So, as hard as it is, I'm breaking free of that.
Starting now.
Because living a life of "second bests" is and never will be okay.
I am worth more than that, and I hope that you see you are, too.

Throw Me Away

The older I get, the better I am at letting people in, at trying to love them.

But the easier I trick myself into believing they care at a level that transcends time, culture, norms.

I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, but I also need to remember, that at the end of the day, it's not their job to care for me that way.

Today, a friend of mine who I consider to perhaps be the closest, who I've spent at least a day, sometimes multiple days, a week with them and their family, including Thanksgiving and Christmas last year, told me that their mom more or less said I couldn't come to their Thanksgiving gathering this year because "not just anyone" could come.

Not just anyone...

This is the same woman who I've spent nearly every Saturday night, and many other nights with, over the last year and a half, getting to know her and her family, being a part of the silliness, sadness, and seriousness of life. 

And to her, because I'm now no longer a prospect for dating her son (his doing, not mine), I'm somehow just less, even though all year, I'm not less, even though last night, you invited me to dinner, told me to get whatever I wanted, and paid for it.

So what makes me not family? 

My name? My unfortunate blood line? 

Why do holidays equal exclusion instead of inclusion of all the people we claim to love throughout the year? 

I don't know. 

I don't think I understand or that I'll ever be able to. 

But I know that I don't ever want to make someone feel the way I feel right now.

I don't want my life to be "invite only." 

I don't want to make anyone else feel stupid for how they're feeling, kind of like I do now.

After all, we're only human...

Longing

I desperately miss writing. 

I have all these thoughts swirling about and haven't had a ton of time to process them.

Nursing school is no joke, but I feel this insatiable need to write.

So, I'm going to.

I have to. 

It seems so strange that a compulsion as theoretically arrogant and mundane as writing can be a driving force, but it is. 

Hopefully, the words that flow from my fingertips will be ones that hit deep, that both uplift and encourage while presenting challenges. 

I've learned an incredible amount in the almost year and a half since I've used this platform for my creativity, and my heart and mind are blooming with new insights and connections.

Here's to the hope of taking time to process the world and doing so with the eloquence and cohesiveness that can only come through writing.